Have I mentioned that I love what I do for a living? I mean, I really do. For so many reasons, but I’ll pick one for now: one of the best parts of my job is hearing from my listeners. I read all your emails and try to answer all your questions during my podcast and radio show Sex With Emily on my website. One of the questions I most commonly get asked is: “When should I sleep with him?” This question has come up several times over the past few episodes of Miss Advised and again tonight.
“Are you going to sleep with David?” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was asked this question by every single person I encountered on tonight’s episode. So I figured you probably wanted to know as well. Well, I can’t tell you until next week’s finale episode, but I can tell you this about the notion of sex and timing: it’s always best to wait as long as you can. Sure, we all get attracted to people and want to sleep with them. It’s human nature. While I don’t believe in the stereotypical dating rules, I do believe that when it comes to sex, it’s best to wait. Here’s why.
There are emotional consequences involved when we sleep with someone too soon and not all of them are particularly desirable. Sex does change the relationship dynamics by nature of, well, nature. Meaning we immediately get biologically hooked on the sex. When we start having sex with someone too soon, specifically women, we immediately become attached.
The “love” drugs (including oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine) fire rapidly, bathing our brains in these “feel good” hormones. Which is exactly why they say love is blind: sex can literally shield us from seeing our new partner as they truly are. This is especially bad during a time when we need to see them most clearly, so you won’t miss major character traits (for example those pesky red flags). These crazy love drugs are released after we have sex with someone and can sometimes prematurely attach us to the wrong people, because we are really attached to the sex.
Making the decision about when to sleep with someone should be taken with greater mental acuity than just following what feels good in the moment. Take the time to get to know someone, see if you’re on the same page about what you want out of your new “connection,” and take it from there.
Talk about where the relationship is going before you sleep with someone. Even if the “relationship” is a one night stand, you should speak up ahead of time. Sex does change the dynamic. There’s no way around it. Tonight’s episode also highlights the age old question, “Do you believe in the one?” I believe there are many “ones.” People come into our lives for different reasons. They can teach us lessons about ourselves and our world if we choose to pay attention. Some of those people are in for a lifetime and others for a few days.
The notion of finding one person to fill all our needs is what’s most troubling. There is no “magic bullet” of a perfect person. No one can fill all our needs, it’s just not possible. So the belief that goes along with “the one” has potential to be a giant fallacy or disappointment sending legions of women on wild goose chases to find their soul mates.
There are people who mate for life. In fact, I’m in awe of these couples. But just because there are happy, lifelong couples doesn’t mean there is only one person for them.
For example, think about divorce or death of a loved one and finding love again. Does this mean the past partner wasn’t really the one? I believe there are many ones for all of us. We might only find one person, and that sure saves a lot of time, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t others out there who could fit the bill.
I’ve found in my life that I’ve had many meaningful, intellectual, playful, sexual, and non-sexual relationships with people that have felt soulmate-esque.
You know, those people that you connect with on another worldly level throughout a lifetime who come and go. I believe that love is infinite, and we have the ability to truly love many people. Oh and what's with Menace’s interrogation of my date. “Have you masturbated to Emily yet?” he asks David over drinks. Did I really just hear that? I thought they were going to get out a ruler and measure their um... feet after that conversation.
You can always email your sex and relationship questions to me, through my website, on Twitter @sexwithemily, Facebook, or firstname.lastname@example.org. I love hearing from you. You can also listen and subscribe to all of my podcasts here.
Can’t wait to hear what you think about Miss Advised and tonight’s episode.