You’ve just been dumped by the love of your life. You can’t stop crying, shaking and pleading for a magic potion to help you win their love back. Is that even a possibility?
“’Can I get my ex back’ is the most common question I get after a breakup,” says relationship coach Lee Wilson, founder of MyExBackCoach.com. “I tell people if the relationship was good and there wasn’t a lot of arguing and bickering, the door is most likely open to getting an ex back — if you do the right things going forward.”
Ready for that magic? All you have to do is follow the “No Contact” rule – which means having no interaction with your ex immediately after the breakup.
Need further elaboration? No texts asking him to pick up what he’s left at your apartment. No checking her social media on a daily basis. No leaving voice messages reminding your ex how happy you were together and how you’ll change. Yes, 'No Contact' means leave them the heck alone.
“People act like it’s some sort of Jedi mind trick. But it’s actually a mature response when someone is saying that they don’t want you in their life in the role you have been in,” Wilson declares. “If you don’t let your ex experience the breakup, all they will do is keep running away.”
For your ex to want to have you back, they have to feel that something is truly lost. “Will they miss you being in their life? If the answer is yes, the best thing you can do is give them the opportunity to do so,” Wilson says. “When people break up with someone they are almost never sure they are doing the right thing. ‘No Contact’ gives the time and space to reflect on it.”
Fine and dandy, but what about you, sitting there twiddling your thumbs waiting for a text to ping? “A lot of the problems people face with ‘No Contact’ is that they feel they are doing nothing – that they are surrendering to the breakup,” Wilson shares. But it’s rare that a person who just broke up with you is going to return to the relationship because you badger them to. And if they do come back under those circumstances, they’ll most likely resent you for it.
“Realize that ‘No Contact’ is effective and purposeful,” says Wilson, who adds this is the time reflect and work on yourself and on any issues you may have had in your relationship. It also keeps you from doing anything that you might regret until your ex does seek you out.
Don’t be surprised if your ex reopens the lines of communication much quicker than you would expect. Now what? Wilson suggests that you respond, but let them lead the conservation, at least the first time around. When they reach out a second time, “know they are missing you and wanting to feel your presence. They may not know what to say but they want to see you,” he declares. “Because we are gracious and forgiving, this is where you can help them, just a little bit, and say it would be great to catch up face to face.”
Wilson is all about getting your ex back, but he has an even bigger goal – making yourself feel great about being you after being dumped. “So many people want to wallow in the pain and frustration,” he declares. Instead, give yourself a break from the breakup. “Enjoying your life and having fun is therapeutic and so attractive. Inevitably, another person will want and come and join you,” he shares. “Make time for yourself, be with friends and family and live a life of passion. People will notice.”
Your ex will notice too — and now you’ll be ready to decide if you want them back in your life.
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