Not proud of my behavior, but learned from it.
For the good to start this episode really had some funny parts to it and some things I would like to comment on.
Chanel was hysterical the entire episode. She made me laugh so much. I am really so grateful to have a friend like her and person like her in my life. She is really this huge ball of smiles, love, and contagious laughter. When I am around her, she just makes me laugh and smile from ear to ear.
I am also so grateful to have Joey as friend as well. She is really always looking out for me and always has my back. She always makes me feel like I know she's always there for me.
From the start of this episode, I really tried to apologize to Casey for the past. I really did feel terrible that she was so hurt. I never ever intended for that. I truly do hope that she accepted/accepts my apology for things that happened in the past. I only wish the best for her.
The week prior to the Hamptons I was sick in bed and probably shouldn’t have even said yes to the weekend. I should have stayed home and rested.
Looking back on this episode, I must say that I am mortified that I drank that way to handle my stress and my feelings of anxiousness. It is never the answer and does not bring out the best in me by any means. I was a mess who hit a breaking point. I really did not want to go to the club and knew I should've gone to bed instead because I was still feeling sick from earlier in the week. I really wanted Chanel to know how much I appreciated her setting up the whole weekend and did not want to ditch the group because of what happened between Casey and me and because I wasn't feeling well.
I see how my behavior just got progressively worse through the course of the night… I was clearly aggravated, emotional, premenstrual, and belligerently drunk. It is not the person I am nor want to ever be. I would rather not drink at all then to behave how I did. Regarding me taking Adderall, I had been prescribed the medication at the time for ADD and no longer am. It is a horrible medication for me that I had terrible side effects from. Also, mixed with emotional turmoil and liquor it is a recipe for erratic emotional behavior.
I am very sorry to Chanel and the rest of the girls if my behavior affected their weekend negatively in anyway. I wish there had been only laughs and no drama, but life happens.
Also I must overemphasize this. Smoking cigarettes is a disgusting terrible habit, and it is horrible to watch myself smoke. I am currently using electronic cigarettes to help me quit. I wish I never smoked one in the first place. It is a really gross habit and deadly!
I can only own up to and learn from my mistakes and try each day to be the best person I can. I am only human. I realize my behavior and poor choices and have made changes in my life. We all have things that affect us and different struggles. I think it is really important to share that and to not be embarrassed, but embrace my mistakes, make positive changes, and move forward.
"It's not how we fall. It's how we get back up again." -Patrick Ness