Chickens and Chauvanism

Episode 2 starts with so many big changes! There is love for everyone! Sex Toy Dave got married! He found someone to poll dance with for the rest of their lives. From Serbia! Destin got a new haircut. Already things are so hopeful and exciting, my Grinch heart is feeling full. And we know that everyone's favorite 90210 gal is showing up soon makes me even more excited. So let's dive right in to our lesson's learned.

Important Bulletin: "In 2011 a woman can be domesticated, still have a job, and still come home and give you a BJ at the end of the day." -- Patti Stanger.

Just FYI America. No excuses.

Do: Let your tiny chickens roam free, yet still maintain compsure.

OK, so maybe this isn't a dating Do per say, but Tori's command of Coco Chanel, the miniature chicken with a penchant for scones, or lack of concern, is a great example of modern womanhood. She raises those precious nugget children of hers (I've been a Liam fan since Day 1, that tot's got style), is adorable on her Oxygen shows, has made books/websites/etc. with amazing Tori-based puns (EdiTORIal.com people? C'mon that's gold), and is still happily betrothed. Let's all learn something from Donna Martin, people. We can have it all.

Do: Change your hair color for a man, but don't count on the results

When annelise arrived it seemed like she was a clear bet for David. She was whip smart, able to balance a baby and a paintbrush at once, and she had a cute face. One issue: she had a hair color unrecognized by Clairol. Et voila. She arrives at the mixer in full brunette territory (and looking a bit like patti to be honest). However, David picked Stephanie (who had hair almost exactly a's original shade). Whatever girl! Work that look or wait 20-30 washes and then try to date again. Your call.

Don't: Have sex without condoms monogamy!

If there was going to be a Patti pull string doll the quote above would easily be the second or third refrain (behind "Penis does the picking" and "No gingers"). It's on of the major tenants of her entire operation. It's practically emblazoned on the hot pink headquarters walls.

Unfortunately, after the intimate dinner, many of the ladies did not know how to complete the sentence. For shame. Even more for shame that one of those gals seemed to only obey the first part. Foreshadowing!

Do be cool with a gaggle of hot ladies crashing your date

So let's talk about Brian. Brian is in the trading card business. But unlike the only trading cards I ever collected (The Lion King what, what), these cards feature scantily clad females. Brian wanted a Jennifer Aniston-type, and Patti delivered with Deborah (she actually reminded me of Genevieve Gorder, which is still good just fact). But Brian was a touch out of practice, hence why he thought it might make him look good to be approached by a veritable herd of his coworkers (seriously I lost count of the hotties). Sure it could have been a "coincidence", but no matter the reason Deborah played it like a champ. She didn't even bat an eye. "Oh you said hot chicks? I don't even care I'm just here noshing on this hot app, unbothered. Continue being hot, whatevs." To her, I (and Brian) bestow to her The Roll With It award.

Do be cool, not hot, not ice sauna frigid

Stephanie on the other hand was not rolling with it when it came to ice saunas. After David imported her to Canada he treated her not with ketchup chips or maple syrup but a gussied up meat locker that promised sexual endorphins. Stephanie, not being an Eskimo or frozen produce was unamused.

After the doing their best Arnold Schwarzenegger in Batman & Robin impressions, things maybe went a touch too far in the warmth direction. The evening moved from one-handed bra removal in the hot tub to short salad break to night caps in the hotel room. Oof. Someone is not listening to their Patti pull string. Also David never went out with her again. Yikes stripes.

Next week this guy doesn't know what denim is. I can't even! Where have you been man?!