I've been told the truth will set you free. . .here it goes. I went through about nine months where I was drinking to cope with the pain and the memories. I was drinking to forget, to stop the recurring images in my head, to relax enough to try to sleep at night. I quickly discovered that one glass of wine made it a little easier, two would help me forget, three, four, you get the point.
I was self-medicating and the sad truth is that I didn't know another way to get through the days -- and nights. I was confronted with the truth that the life I thought I had was only an illusion. What I finally realized was that "pain waits for you." I would medicate for a day and the next morning all the emotions would come flooding back -- not to mention the massive headache.
Thankfully, I had an amazing support system and they helped me realize that it was time for me to feel my emotions and let the healing begin. I know Dr. Drew. And Kim, I love ya but, Dr. Drew you are not. I know people who have been in "recovery" for many years. Someone very close to me has been sober for 20 years. One thing I know from talking with him over the years is that persons who are in recovery don't point the finger at others. They focus on their own sobriety. They are there for friends who ask for their help but they don't diagnose and offer treatment plans for others.
When I made the decision not to attend the "nose party," I gave Kim the courtesy of a phone call. I told her the truth about what I was doing and why I wouldn't be coming to her party. I was having fun and yes, I was "tipsy." If I had a nickel for every time Kim "no-showed" for events with no call and then made up some silly excuse as to why she didn't show, I could pay all my attorney fees. Kim and I don't socialize outside the other ladies. She doesn't spend enough time with me to be evaluating anything about my life. I care for her and am deeply happy that she is having success with her sobriety, finally.
As long as I’m putting it all on the table, I owe Yolanda an apology. When she and I met, I was in a bad place. I was in no state of mind to be making new friends. I was watching my life fall apart and looking at her perfect life wasn't helping. I was convinced that I would never love or trust another man again and here she had two successful marriages and a beautiful family. It had nothing to do with Yolanda. My emotions were raging and I was like a snake in the corner, striking at everything. I am sorry, Yolanda.
The grieving process carries with it a myriad of emotions. One of these emotions is anger. Dealing with a grieving person who is going through anger is extremely challenging. During this time, the person has misplaced feelings of anger and envy, check. The anger comes out in different ways and is often unexpected, check. At times, the person may feel anger toward himself or herself, and other times the anger is directed toward others, check.
Anger was by far the hardest stage for me because I couldn't figure out what I was angry about or whom I was angry at, it made no sense to me. Imagine "road raging" 24 hours a day, not pretty. I have never been an angry person and during the beginning of Season 3, I was agitated and angry. It was an awful way to feel and I know it was a dreadful experience for those around me. To compound the problem, I had begun a new prescription for my anxiety. The agitation I was feeling got so depressing that I started to research the medication and found that the number one side effect was. . .agitation, great!
So. . .I did take some of Kyle and Kim’s advice. I did three things. I decided Kyle was right and it was time to leave the house. I needed to let go of that final piece in order to move on with my life. I took Kim's suggestion and went to the mountains for the winter. I have taken that opportunity to heal and to spend time with Kennedy enjoying the simple things. Finally, I went cold turkey off my medication. Not recommended but, I am a bit of an extremist -- in case you haven't noticed.
Surprisingly, I started to sleep, I started to love, and I didn't need to medicate with alcohol. I want to feel everything that my new life has in store for me. I am happy and healthy. Kennedy is happy, laughing, and singing everyday. I'm coming home to Beverly Hills as a new woman with my past behind me and a new life in front of me.
Until next week! Big kiss from my big lips.