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So we meet again! First, I just want to say how thankful I am to all of our RHOD friends for being there for us! We are back this season for one reason and that is because of all of you. Okay, put your boots on, saddle up and let's ride. It is going to be quite the rodeo.
Let’s take it back to where we left off. After the reunion, I knew thatMarie Reyes wasn't done with her unbridled and irrational compulsion to destroy me and my reputation. Mostly, it’s just very sad that she can’t seem to let go of her petty vendetta, which is why I wasn’t surprised at all when she released something negative about me again…none of which is true. I was surprised, however, as I watched this first episode, to seeStephanie Hollman, someone who was so adamant against gossiping at the reunion, gossiping away on camera by reading the blog of someone she knows truly despises me.
It makes me question if Marie's pointless agenda has now become Stephanie's agenda.
In this way, I’ve also come to see that the sweet, innocent person I thought Stephanie was is not who she actually is. In fact, I was shocked to hear her callBrandi Redmond a "mean girl," while blaming her marriage difficulties on Brandi. I could never imagine speaking like that about someone I love or have loved, no matter how hurt I was. It's a shockingly quick and disturbing change from wanting "blinged out matching toilets" to this level of focused blame and hatred. So, even though I knew it would be a difficult moment, I wanted to take the time to ask Cary Deuber to meet with me privately. I needed to genuinely give her an open-hearted opportunity to get to know me and vice versa. I felt that last season neither of us gave the other a chance, and I wanted to rectify that this season. Thoughtfully, Cary did reach out to me the night that Marie released her blog, and I was able to explain to Cary that this was never an actual case and that the situation never even took place.
After this conversation with Cary, you can imagine how strange and sad it was for me to see her sit there during this episode, saying nothing, while Stephanie curiously (and excitedly) read this gossip. It was like she was fine letting Stephanie’s words roll out, keeping her mouth shut about my side of things. There I was, giving Cary an open-hearted opportunity, and it seems, by listening to her confessionals, that she has no desire to either get to know me nor to give me a chance. So, my question is, why even act like you care? If, in reality, you don’t. I agreed at the dog park that it wasn't my position to have ever brought up Cary’s situation, and yet, she didn't seem to care that Stephanie went on her juicy gossip spree about me.
Over all, I'm finding that both Cary and Stephanie, while being polite to my face, are being very nasty behind the scenes. For Cary to explain how much she was hurt and then do nothing while Stephanie read the blog, has made me question if either her pain was real or if she’s just interested in seeing me in pain? Through all of this, I was tested and provoked, but I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I can and cannot handle. I learned all of this through my anger management therapy and introspection, which I decided to share with the public because I wanted everyone to see my journey - possibly one that others out there could relate to. I wanted an opportunity to show my vulnerability and openness with the entire situation since I’ve never really been good at that. I’ve been trying a lot of new things lately. After all, change has to happen in order to grow, and that’s what I’m working on.
Put simply, at the end of last season, I was miserable. I knew my life had to change, and I knew the only way that I could start was by going to therapy and taking steps in the right direction. I truly hope that taking this journey in front of everyone will benefit others who might be in a similar situation. I'm loving what I am discovering about myself, and I'm also loving gaining control of my emotions and, in turn, my life. You don't have to tweet me and tell me you think I'm a hot mess; I KNOW. My hope is to continue my work on myself while continuing to own my mistakes and try to move forward.
I’ll tell you when my therapy was really put to the test.
In the car, when Brandi told me about Stephanie’s text message, every ounce of me ignited into flames. I felt so lied to, played, and manipulated. The question is, who did all of that to me? Was it Stephanie? Or was it Cary? That’s why I went back into Mark’s party to ask Cary for the truth, with no one else in between. When she said that she didn’t reach out to Stephanie and that she had nothing to do with the text message Stephanie sent to Brandi, it put all of my focus on Stephanie. After all, I had to trust what Cary was saying. What other choice did I have? Then, I just became so confused at Stephanie’s philosophy. How could someone who wants the world to view her as sweet and innocent be so blatantly cruel? It hurt.
Now, let me be very clear about the position I took at Mark’s party with regards to Stephanie and Brandi. I need everyone to know that, in the car, Brandi cried to me, ultimately saying that she didn't want to (and really just couldn’t) talk to Stephanie that night. She wasn’t ready, and she felt it was the wrong place and the wrong time. I’ll admit: I have always taken a protective position with my friends, especially when they are deeply hurting and feeling vulnerable.
Was I overly protective that night? Probably. But, was I going to disappoint Brandi or let her down? No. Cary has no right in her confessionals to tell me to stay out of something that Brandi has involved me in for the last five months. Unless, of course, she only wants that so that she can take a manipulative stance between the two of them. Resolution is what I want for them. A resolution that brings them peace and hopefully some happiness again.
Please continue watching to see how it all plays out.
Life is about what you make it. I want to make mine happy and healthy. I look forward to taking this journey with all of you!
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