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Thug in a Caftan

Alex addresses her issues with LuAnn and the dinner debacle.

By Alex McCord

It's the last part of the Moroccan trilogy, and I finally got fed up with a few of the ladies.

How to Watch

Watch The Real Housewives of New York City on Peacock and catch up on the Bravo app

Meanwhile, it's nearly 100 degrees in New York City today. It happens to be Brooklyn Day in the NYC school system, so the chums have no school. We've toured Grand Central Station, renewed passports, and are now sitting at the dentist's office so forgive me if this blog is brief, as I'm writing it on my phone.

We pick up the episode with the aftermath of the Ramona/Jill discussion. Note that while Ramona is sad, hyperventilating, and about to cry again, Jill is angry and calling Ramona every name she can think of. Of course, LuAnn felt it necessary to barge into the living room, where we had closed the doors for privacy, to police Ramona. She refused to take my (subtle, at first, and then less so) suggestions that she leave, so I finally asked Sonja to grab LuAnn by her imaginary tiara and drag her away so Ramona could regroup.

Some of these women have very strange habits, and for the moment I'm not even talking about Jill. Although she was really vindictive toward Ramona, her poodle hair and desire to be part of a harem almost gave her a pass. It's Kelly and LuAnn who really act up this week. Neither of them can allow conflicts to happen without jumping into the middle, and it's obnoxious. In a way, Kelly doesn't know any better. She just needs to be given a bag of gummy bears and a sedative. LuAnn, on the other hand, knows very well how she SHOULD behave, but chooses not to do that, which is worse in my book. Evidently not in hers, although I never read Class with the Countess so I can't be sure.

Let me put the timeline in perspective for you. We went to Jill's anti-bullying fashion show in New York. Shortly thereafter, we flew to Morocco. The timing is sort of like that series 24 -- although you're seeing our trip spread out over a month's worth of television, this all happened in just over a week. In that time, LuAnn gave me plenty of reasons to call her a thug in a cocktail dress.

For better or worse, it's a character trait of mine that I get much more easily upset by bad behavior toward my family or friends than when it's aimed at me. LuAnn has said nasty things about me for years, and usually I ignore it because her opinions don't matter to me. However, when she goes after my family or my friends, I see red. Her behavior toward Ramona became worse and worse, and when added to her general bossiness on the trip, and yes, the continued digs at me, it was all adding up.

After Ramona and I spoke on the roof, I checked my email. Simon had forwarded me an interview with LuAnn that had just been published, lambasting Ramona about "not sharing" her designer contacts. Apparently it wasn't enough to call Ramona names in person for not providing LuAnn with clothing (again, can't LuAnn find her own designers? This goes against the woman-code when we all attend the same events.). Nope, after the face-to-face tear down, she needed to make sure the whole world knew LuAnn didn't care that we live in one of the fashion capitals of the world, where anyone with a phone and a red carpet to walk can find creative geniuses to work with. She wanted the one designer that had an exclusive agreement with Ramona, and wouldn't rest until she'd scolded her in the gossip pages. At that point, I was D-O-N-E. I put down the iPad and went downstairs.

I wanted to speak to LuAnn and when I came in, surprise! She wasn't alone. I hit the brakes, said I wanted a word with her in private and left. Stupidly I came back, but oh well, hindsight is 20/20. I attempted to air things out with LuAnn, and she turned into Lady Godiva. I don't know what I expected -- remorse? Accountability? Oops, in my moment of righteous indignation I guess I expected too much. She puffed up and left.

At the same time, Kelly went bananas. I tend to think she accuses people of her own worst fears for herself. Kelly incessantly repeats "I am real...I am authentic." A second after she told me I was being inauthentic, she said I should "make my entrance again."

Just how authentic would that be? This, from the woman who called herself an actress when she joined the show, but insists she's the only one being real. How many entrances does it take for Kelly to be real? Perhaps she was attempting to be funny, or maybe she was trying to learn the lyrics to my husband's "song." One thing I'll say -- back when I was an actor, I did a lot of Shakespearean comedy. If your timing isn't perfect, you get hit by a flying fairy or a sword in the eye. If I were "acting," I'd have perfect timing and no hives. And I've never gone by "Alexa." Idiot.

I have no idea how I ruined her henna tattoo; Kelly could have sat there while LuAnn and I talked, and finished her tattoo. That's what Cindy did. But Kelly got up and ruined her own tattoo because she had to be in the middle of things. After she got over her henna and my (ahem, her own) authenticity, she decided it would be a great time to do an exercise she made up on the spot. I left before she went any further, such as trust-falls off the roof. Though that might have been fun.

Moving on, I thought dinner that night was a buffet and you could come down and fix a plate whenever. So did Ramona and Sonja. Strange. Anyway, I made my way in and was shocked to see all the brunettes not only sitting at the table eating together, but angry that we'd missed our 8 pm date. Lost in translation. I'm convinced that the staff decided to get even with LuAnn for yelling at them all week. Just because you say it in French doesn't make it nicer. Anyway, I decided to make the best of it and join the girls. Notice that I did not bring up the earlier confrontation. LuAnn couldn't contain herself, and turned into a thug in a caftan.

Kelly once again jumped in where she wasn't needed or wanted. I decided to get out of there but she was uncomfortable, so she decided that she was going to "save me.".I didn't need saving. In her own words, I needed Kelly to zip it.

Since the entire family had a clean bill of health at the dentist, we celebrated good brushing by a stop at Dylan's Candy Bar. Might sound crazy, but little treats don't rot your teeth if you brush and floss them! So I'm going to stop writing now and join the family downstairs for something ridiculously sugary.

Have a great week and please check out my fashion recap here and our Facebook page. Would love it if you follow Simon and me on Twitter, and definitely check out for our T-shirt partnership with Housing Works. Oh yeah, and Simon's song "I Am Real," and the "Thug in a Club Mix"!

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