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Tequila Makes her Clothes Fall Off

Heather laments being stuck in the middle of the LuAnn/Italian friends debacle.

By Heather Thomson

Tequila Makes her Clothes Fall Off. . .(to quote the title of Joe Nichols country music song ;)

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St. Barths is truly one of the most beautiful islands in the Caribbean. But as you saw, the flight is not for the faint at heart. I am really old hat at flying. Having worked in fashion as long as I have, you can only imagine the miles I have racked up on trips to Europe and Asia. What you didn't see on the show, for those of you who haven't been to St. Barths, is that the pilots actually turn off the engine and glide into the airport. If you like roller coasters, you will love this flight. If you don't, there is a 40 minute ferry from St. Maarten that I suggest you take!

Upon arrival we take the grand tour of this extraordinary house. It is so beautiful and we are all feeling so excited to be here. While Ramona makes it clear she will bunk in the master suite (with Sonja?!?) Carole and I decide to stay in the bungalows off the main house (and in hindsight I am so thankful we did). During the tour, I basically walk full speed into the glass wall! OUCH! I really bang up my nose (a hairline fracture actually), but at least I leave my mark. . .on the glass! LOL! And I think I start a trend, as you later see the hermit crab trying to "pull a Heather" of his own as he marches toward the glass himself. I chill horizontally with lots of ice and Advil as Ramona and Sonja warm up our bar situation and we all settle into our rooms, relax and start to get into island time.

That night, Carole hosts us all for dinner so we can settle into the staff and our home away from home. Believe it or not, the toaster oven conversation rears ups again! But I try not to take the bait and get too serious about it. I will always make myself available to talk with Sonja about her brand and the work we did together, but I soon realize this is neither the time or the setting.

Thankfully we are interrupted! What a treat when Russell drops by for a visit after dinner. I have met Russ before and we get on well. He and Jonathan enjoy each other's company too. and I for one am cool with him joining in with us as much as Carole wants. I am feeling Carole's pain about the girls behavior around him. Russ is a rockstar and I am sure he can handle it but Somanja can be a lot! While Ramona was complementary of him she was obviously restrained and Sonja -- feeling her bar glow came off a bit cheeky, but Russ did fine with the attention. He is such a talented guy and he was down there to perform at a music festival. He is on the road a lot and I am happy he and Carole can hang! From the looks of it, the evening appears to be a calm affair for us RHONY, but I will let you in on a secret. . .some of the ladies, of the fairer haired persuasion, kept it going past midnight with lots of dancing and music and of course drama and although I was not at all the instigator I am also not completely innocent either! Looking back on that night I have to laugh at the antics I witnessed. . .

These Crazy Bitches

The next morning, we are on schedule Sonja. We each decided to take a day and plan the festivities for the group. Today was Sonja's itinerary and our first stop was a fabulous beach club owned by her friend, Thierry. The setting is sublime. A beautiful bottle of Rosé wine the most gorgeous beach and the ladies are looking hot in their suits! While I don't notice the guys checking us out, the attention the women are getting really makes us laugh, and we begin to click as a group. It is really nice to see everyone having so much fun, and we are in Paradise after all...

Back to the house and getting ready for a fun night out, I do my best to blow off my painfully swollen nose as the Rosé from lunch wears off and I down tons of Advil, while Ramona and Sonja are joined by Lu in their bathroom for a pre-evening dance off! The energy is contagious if not a bit foreshadowing of the evening to come. . .we are in for a wild ride. We hit the hot nightclub, Le Ti St. Barths, which is funnily enough owned by the aforementioned Thierry's ex-wife, Carole. Is this island getting incestuous or is it just me? The room is filled with the fab St. Barths set and out comes the tequila and, boy, are we having fun and getting rowdy. Many of the ladies' eyes make a beeline for what we first think is Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean but in reality is just Carole the club owner's boyfriend, the now infamous Tomas. Ramona and I hit the stage first. More tequila shots and as I said. . .off come our clothes and on go the costumes for an impromptu performance. Now dressed as a pirate alongside Johnny Depp and feeling of kindred spirit, Lu strikes up a conversation with Tomas, which doesn't go unnoticed by all the ladies in the room and I don't just mean our group.

Let me tell you this much as I know it to be true, Carole and I leave the group well before the clock strikes 12 and we go back to the house and off to our beds. Later that night, I don't remember what time, Lu comes a knocking on my door to try to get me up for a nightcap. She is with someone but they are not sneaking around. They are being very loud. I go back to bed. The next morning, Carole and I are taking in the sun and some Vitamin D by the pool and she asks me about the noise from the night before. I could have said, "I don't know," but that would be lying to Carole and so the whisper fest ensues between us about what happened. I trust Carole and want to counsel with her on this whole situation. She heard the commotion and folks speaking French, so I am not "breaking news" to her. I am actually feeling awkward about Lu talking about these Italians that she brought home and I am very conflicted because she and I both know that it was Tomas. (I know you viewers have likely been in a similar situation before. . .what did you do?)

A Scandal in St. Barths

I adore Jacques and LuAnn both and I love them together. I don't believe anything but partying happened last night because I know how Lu feels about Jacques, but she is making it worse by weaving up this complicated, cockamamie story. She is certainly coming off very suspicious to the other ladies and no one believes her. I am concerned that soon the questions will turned to me, so I am just backing out of any group discussions with Ramona and Sonja about this whole scenario while we are preparing for who knows what this evening.

The girls invited everyone they knew and saw at Le Ti to our house for a party and so we are expecting a potentially large group -- but to our surprise and Luann’s chagrin it is just Kat, (LuAnn's good friend), and Tomas who actually show up! Ugh! LuAnn is digging a hole for herself and I wish she would clue me in on her thinking because I would have made every attempt to stop her! Although we as RHONY are surrounded by a media bubble that can teach us to think the opposite, being liked is not always the most important and the truth is that even our "reality" cannot always be Photoshopped or clicked away with a mouse -- its "tale" has to be confronted. I believe in character over celebrity, in accomplishment over image, and in solving problems instead of trying to cover them up. Insomuch as LuAnn is a friend, I cannot support her confusing behavior. It has actually left me feeling extremely worried and conflicted and the only thing I can do at this juncture is to encourage her to tell the truth before Le train runs off le tracks!

Meanwhile, Sonja has decided that no matter what went down the evening before, tonight it is her turn with Tomas aka Johnny and she is making her moves! I guess Carole (from Le Ti) and Tomas have broken up!? But, for any further detail here, you are going to have to wait until next week! Also, Aviva arrives with Reid and although some in our group aren't thrilled about the testosterone invading ladies' week, we are all really happy to see her though Ramona and Sonja decide greeting her topless from the pool is the way to go -- and you won't believe what ensues from there! So definitely, tune in!

As always, thank you for all of your support and feedback. You make being on the show so rewarding for me. To learn more about me and my shapewear, go to Facebook,, and You can also enjoy 10 percent off your next Yummie Tummie order by entering code "Iamheathert10" at check out. Don't forget to follow me on Twitter at @iamHeatherT and please visit to sign up to become an organ and tissue donor. . .to be continued!

xx. Heather

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