I can't believe it's been almost two years since I last wrote to you! It feels like just yesterday I was telling you about my cute boyfriend, my trip to London, my ill-fated St. Barth's soiree. Remember how I was so happy to have finished my second book that I threw myself a party? Well, a lot has changed.
My hair, for instance -- I went from brunette to blonde, then back to brunette again. I did bangs, then no bangs; layered, then long. I bought an iPhone then ditched it, went back to my Blackberry. Some of my relationships took turns, for better and worse. And guess what? After all that crazy work, I sold my book in an intense bidding war. Yes, Intense! War! Six publishers all bidding against each other. It was like speed dating, but better -- they all wanted to pay me to get in bed! They flattered me and made promises: two-book deals, a movie, television show -- pick me, pick me! They'd never read anything so moving, they said. They told me how brilliant I was, how they all loved my outfit and the way I turned a phrase. They hung on my every word, they thought me so smart. And pretty, too! If only dating was half as rewarding. Whatevs. I copied Woodward and Bernstein and followed the money. I picked the highest bidder. Flattery's great, but I'm not stupid.
See? We have a lot to catch up on. I've missed you. Let's break this new episode down.
Photo (don’t) Shoot (the messenger). . .
Yeah, the show. Did you watch? I always laugh at how Housewives react to each other in any new scene. We're always "Oh my God, Hi!" like we haven't seen each other in ten years. Heather walked into the photo shoot and you’d think I hadn’t seen her in six months the way I reacted, when actually, we see or speak to each other every day.
In the past two years, she's gone from an acquaintance, to a Bravo friend, to a true real-life friend. I love when she’s around. She makes everything fun and easy. She always knows where the car is, she knows the maitre d’ at the hot new restaurant, she knows how to get a large piece of furniture through the window of a city apartment. (Thank you, Jonathan!)
She also runs a huge company and gets s--- done, which means I can slack off. AND, she laughs at my jokes -- what's not to love?
You might feel bad for Ingrid, the beleaguered photographer in this scene, but don't. I've done a lot of photoshoots and while I'm not the best model, Ingrid was odd. I've used disposable cameras that had faster click action than Ingrid. I felt like I was posing for a still life. A bowl of fruit would have grown impatient. She screamed orders at me like a drill sergeant, Chin down! Chin up! Eyes up! Look here! Turn right! Face to the left, chin down, now look up! Do you know how hard it is to keep your chin down while you look up and to the side and then, smile!
Contrary to how the scene unfolds, Heather wasn't in the way at all. We needed her. Heather has directed hundreds of photoshoots and worked with the best. I think Heather actually took the only photo I liked that day. (Shhh! Don’t tell Ingrid.)
Unlike my friendship with Heather, which developed organically both on and off the show, I hadn’t heard from Aviva since we filmed the reunion over a year earlier. I’m not saying I was unhappy about that. Um, I’m kind of not that into her (there, I said it!). But it’s all good because apparently she felt the same way. When I sold my novel the week after the reunion, I got calls from everyone on the show (including LuAnn and we didn’t exactly end on the best terms), except Aviva. Not even a fake "congrats" text from her assistant. And although both Heather and I were very happy for Aviva when she got a book deal, and I offered all of my support, plus contacts, she never picked up the phone once, or sent a text. Nothing. So when she called Heather in this scene, we were both happy to Decline the call. (I love “Declining.” It makes me want an iPhone, again.)
Sometimes the more you get to know someone, the less you like them. Aviva is nice and charming when you are going along with her agenda but as soon as you disagree with her, or don’t give her the support she feels entitled to (like a parade), she becomes a very mean girl. We have all experienced it. I’m her new target. Oh dear.
Ramonja is Back!
Did you see what I mean about the shock factor? Ramona is shocked to see Sonja although they’d probably just seen each other and they are in Sonja’s house after all, it's nothing new. You look amazing. No, you do. No YOU do! I haven’t seen Sonja since last season but I have to say that I do like the "Ramona" on her. And apparently so do the boys!
My friendship with Ramona has grown. She has a large group of devoted friends, and I see why. Yes, sometimes she speaks out of line, sometimes she does the wrong thing, sometimes she starts screaming for no apparent reason. But she is authentic, and on a reality show there is a lot to be said for authenticity. Maybe we are the ultimate Odd Couple. Her Felix, to my Oscar. She responds to situations emotionally then follows up with logic. I respond logically with a delayed emotional reaction.
Speaking of emotional reactions. Why is Sonja suddenly talking about mental illness? Do you feel like you walked into the middle of a conversation.
One in 15 people are psychotic. It’s a sport, they find happy people and they enjoy coming in between their happiness.
Huh, what? Who are they talking about? I’m not taking any chances and will start avoiding groups of 15. I looked it up in the DSM-V. Not exactly the definition but not far from it either. Ramona sums it up: A sagist? Oops. . .a sadist. . .like I said, authentic.
Happy Birthday Heather!
I'd like to keep a friendly distance from Aviva. She came to Heather's birthday party with her image consultant so that was a good sign. She is very self-centered and there are times I don't mind that -- it saves me the trouble of talking about myself. I find me, as a subject, a bit boring.
I give Aviva advice when she asks, none of which she takes. My friends and I have a name for people like that, we call them "askholes." You know, people who constantly ask for advice then always ignore it. Aviva just doesn't seem genuine to me. It appears as though she's flattering me but it's always a build-up to "The Ask." Yep, and there it is. . .Throw a little editing in there. . .? Um, okay. But I’m not an editor, I’m a writer. I suck at editing. I like words. Lots of them. I couldn't edit a stop sign. I did give her some good advice about editing her manuscript but it was edited (no pun intended) out.
Who cares. It’s boring to talk about publishing when we'd all much rather watch how it goes down with Ramona! Aviva seems to have perfected the art of insulting people she is trying to flatter. Ramona has a couple of years on her? Wow. Aviva has a thing about age. Hers. Mine. Everyone's. Last season she was 44 and this season she is, for some reason, 40. She's the Benjamin Button of Reality.
I first met Kristen, with Heather, at lunch one day in my neighborhood. She’s a downtown girl, like me. As beautiful as #modelmom is in real life she is f---ing gorgeous on camera. And that's the difference between a pretty girl and a model.
I think she should write a book called, I Love My Kids But This Sucks. Then I will write the companion book, I Don’t Have Kids and That Sometimes Sucks, Too. Her husband, Josh, is genuinely funny. He forgot about his 18-month old daughter Kingsley, which cracks me up. Almost everything he says makes me laugh. These two are also very upfront and frank about their blowjobs which might make them my new favorite couple ever. Aren’t they cute together? Serious chemistry. I know you're all wondering what she'd do for two pairs of earrings. Kristin loves Josh, yes, but she also loves Elvis, from beginning to end -- from the sexy swivel hips to fat Vegas. She loves him in every form. She's one cool gorgeous kook.
Sonja’s Lunch Special
Robin’s back! Do you remember her? She's Sonja's friend, the one who screamed, "I hate fake!" at the party where Ramona accused Heather of talking behind her back. Oh, the good old days.
Robin seems to have gone through a spiritual reawakening. Either that, or she's been smoking some ganja. But she counsels Ramona on her situation with Aviva.
Nettie I'm not my negative thoughts. Nettie I'm not my thoughts. Nettie I'm not my personality. I'm not my job.
I’m so confused. Who's Nettie? Sonja makes a good attempt to convince Ramona to mend the fences also. Aviva's mother died from overdrinking. Her father is sexually inappropriate. The apple that dropped from that tree had problems way before she lost the leg. When Sonja puts it that way, well, hmm. . .
The Shot Heard Around the World
Tequila. Okay. Aviva, Ramona. This isn't the first shot, it won't be anyone's last, but we've got a whole season -- who’s counting.
Stay tuned, everyone. . .next week I scream! (It's good.)
[Get The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating, here!]