Carole: Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies. . .

Oh Beautiful for Spacious Skies…

My Summer Vacation
I'm keeping this short. I'm on vacation for the next two weeks. Italy, then London with a short stay in Paris. I'll send postcards. On my real vacations, I meet up with friends and we go for walks on the beach. We stroll through old cities, swim in the sea, and take afternoon naps. We shop, lunch, and, yeah, drink.

We never fight. All the beautiful ancient churches and pyramids do look the same after awhile. And my limit for almost anything is three. I'll go on three hikes, do three watersports, wander three times through crumpled ruins. But I check out after three -- except museums. As hard as I try I cannot get myself to three museums in any one city. The only museum I've ever really enjoyed was the Picasso Museum in Barcelona and I think that's because it's small and you can touch things. But I digress.

We have late boozy lunches and festive dinners that run into the night. We get drunk and we gossip. We're pretty good about muddling through without insulting each another. I've been told I'm a good guest. I don't take up much space, I don't eat a lot, and I keep my complaints to a minimum. I do hate air conditioning and early mornings, but my friends all know this and plan accordingly.

The Trees Are The View!
Admit it, you knew it was going to happen. Kristen is a shitty hostess. I was a sh--ty hostess in St. Barth's and Kristen is a sh--ty hostess in Montana. I don't shed a tear over Sonja's opinion of my hostessing skills. I agree. She's better at it than me. She was a hostess at a tony New York restaurant. She has mad hostess skills. I don't think enough about my hostessing skills, but maybe one day that will change and I'll be the Babe Paley of hostesses. Until then, I'd rather be thought of as a sh--ty hostess then sh--ty guest. Kristen, however, is more sensitive to criticism than me. She's also prettier, taller, and cries more than I do. See we've all got our stuff.

Having traveled with this group on several trips now I can say, unequivocally, that Heather is the only one of us who is both good hostess and good guest. No, wait. LuAnn is, too. Heather is kind when she is sober, and funny as hell when she's drunk. Like right now as we wander through the thicket looking for a cache that no one, except for Kristen, is interested in finding, Heather is funny.

Our trip, I think, can be summed up in two lines:

Carole: "Can we take a moment to enjoy the view?"
Ramona: "You can’t see it. There are too many trees in the way!"

Glamping
As sure as a one-legged duck swims in circles, at least once every three episodes someone will be called the "B" word. Bossy.

Bossism is an affliction of Housewives. We all get accused of it at one time or another. But Kristen is right, it's not the same as alcoholism (I was using an extreme to make a point. Why do some of the ladies take everything I say literally? It makes me crazy.) But the more alcohol consumed the bossier everyone gets so maybe there is a correlation.

Another Housewife-ism. Own it. You can behave like a jerk as long as you own it. Kristen owned Geocaching. She was upset Heather didn't own Bossypants. Then Heather owned it. Ramona owned her underwear. Sonja owned the cowboys. It really makes the ladies mad when someone doesn't own it. Lets see what I own:

- I own that I am not cut out to be Julie McCoy.
- I own that I can be stubborn.
- I own my fabulous pink satin "hiking dress."
- I own that sometimes I only pretend to listen to Ramona.
- I own that I don't enjoy creating unnecessary conflict.
- I own creating conflict if someone disrespects me, my family, or my career.
- I own the adjectives I used to describe Aviva.
- I own that I dislike hurtful gossip and people who spread it.
- I own that sometimes I, too, like to gossip.
- I own that I'm an Almond Joy: mushy on the outside, a hard nut inside.

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Ramona "Goodwill Ambassador" Singer?
Not so fast. . .

OK, I'm going to say it. It's my first time this season so by my own definition I've got 16 more times to say it. Here it is: Who Does That? Who talks about a good friend's husband like that? Even if Kristen does feel unappreciated. Even if Ramona doesn't know him well. Who Does That? (Second time.) I've watched this scene twice now and it makes me so mad I only wish I were there when it was said.

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Heather is the least serious of the gang. Jonathan has the best personality of all the husbands. Jonathan is nothing like vanilla. Jonathan is like an ice cream sundae, with whipped cream and sprinkles and nuts. And yes they are right about one thing, Jonathan doesn't walk into a room like an arrogant jerk.

Here are a few other things Jonathan is: he is a good friend, he listens intently, he is thoughtful in his responses, he is considerate. So back up bitches. You've just angered the nut in my Almond Joy.

Rode-Oh No You Didn't.
Yeah we did. We overdressed. I thought we looked great. I thought we looked idiotic. The rodeo wasn’t what I expected. It was more violent than I expected. It was dustier. I thought the animals were getting hurt. I didn't like the little kids being thrown. I didn't get the point of lassoing cattle on a bucking bronco. Sorry I can't offer more observation than that. The ladies sitting behind us were very sweet and the one with the super short brown hair saved my seat when I went to the latrine.

Chuck Wagon

Who would you like to chuck off the chuck wagon?

A Seattle Sonic basketball player! Hatchet throwing is a big surprise. What can we say about hatchet throwing. Is watching cooking so exciting? Maybe as much as flashing a squirrel. Heather won, as usual. Luann was a close second. The rest of us sucked.

We had a better time than you all saw. The show always focuses on drama. Yes, we got on each other's nerves, we drank too much, and slept too little. But we also had a blast at a local bar. We met the most interesting people. We went dirty dancing, we twirled and two-stepped. We raced three-wheelers through wide open fields, we sang patriotic songs, we rode horses to places so beautiful, and saw views so majestic it would make even me cry (it did). We saw a part of the country that people rarely get to see. It was magnificent. We are lucky, I'm owning that. We have a beautiful country. We are blessed. We were all happy we didn't have asthma.

See you next week.