Well, for a brief shining moment we all thought Luann would pay attention to what the Universe dropped in her lap. She’d learn the lesson, go back to New York and tell TomDickHarry to hit the road. I would be Thelma to her Louise, but with a different ending. She’d bang Brad Pitt and return to New York a confident woman who didn’t take any sh-- from any man. Take that TomDickHarry!
I mean, they’d only been engaged for a week, right? No kids, no sentimental history together, no property, only one shared closet in a medium-sized apartment, and a few rounds of golf. Instead, she goes back to NY, straight to the mid-sized apartment, gets into bed, wakes up the next day and like a Jedi-eye mind sweep, life hasn’t changed one bit. (Btw, she didn’t check into a hotel that night to get her thoughts together. I’m calling bullsh-- on that.)
Thing is, Luann has showed us time and time again that monogamy is not something she places a premium on. Why are we not listening? Maybe it is me who hasn’t learned the lesson. She freely admits to stepping out in her marriage, only after her husband did first, but still. Many women would have pulled up their boot-straps, divorced the serial philanderer and made a new life. But Luann is the more, if you can’t beat ‘em, join’em type. I mean, she was living with a man when she met and married the Count. Then, of course, there was the infamous “Pirates of the Caribbean: Housewives Edition.” And let’s face it, TomDickHarry was sucking face with another woman when Luann got him in her “clutches,” -- as she ironically described the Regency Bar Playmate.
But none of this really matters, because Luann is happy. And if Luann is happy, God damn it, we are all happy for her. After all, we are constitutionally guaranteed Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, aren’t we?
And it doesn’t matter how many times she points her finger at Bethenny for trying to “ruin her happiness.” Or that she imagines we are huddled in secret conversations, re-casting her betrothed as a piñata. So what that we think TomDickHarry is a sad, lonely drunk; a cheater with as much personal integrity as a martini olive. It simply does not matter.
And you know how I know that? Because when Adam and I got together, Luann had nothing nice to say about it. She trashed our relationship in her blogs and on social media. She called me a pedophile, called him “the help” and even implied he was a cheater. And two years later, having had to live through all of her nasty backstabbing comments, Adam and I are still happy.
So Luann, don’t worry what other people say about your relationship, the good news is no one can ruin your happiness but you and Tom…
P.S. Whoever can reference all the movie plugs wins a drink at the Regency Bar.