Survivor

This episode was so funny to me! I watch myself and realize what an absolute dork I am! I am always making fun of myself too, which makes me laugh. It actually feels good though to see the real Gretchen coming back into herself. During the time Jeff was so sick I tried to remain upbeat and optimistic but I was hiding a lot of my emotions and pain beneath that - I was very broken. I went through the toughest times of my life last year and I was in a bad place emotionally and mentally. Seeing myself happy, giggling out of true happiness and joy, really makes me realize I am pulling through this.

Slade and my trip to Arizona was sooooooooooooooo much fun! It was so nice to get away from all the BS that goes on with the women sometimes and to be away just enjoying each other's company. The BS includes comments like Tamra's claiming that Slade moved in two weeks after Jeff passed away. Sometimes I just wonder if Tamra talks out her ass just to hear herself talk? Where does she get this stuff? I mean seriously, I didn't even start hanging out with Slade until six months after Jeff passed away, and for the record Slade has not moved in to my house yet. He has a loft up in LA and we are ONLY NOW- after eight months of being together - considering the next steps in our relationship.

I met Kelly (the girl who had the birthday party in Arizona) at one of my charity events I put together in honor of Jeff for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. We instantly hit it off and had so much fun together! Next thing I know she invites me to her party in Arizona and boy was it a PARTY! I've never seen a party quite like it - well, except for the 30th birthday bash Jeff threw for me! She was definitely the life of the party and thought of every detail for her guests. She even jumped out of a cake and sang a song on stage at one point! She is full of life and such a sweet girl. I have enjoyed getting to know her. She is a confident woman and someone who is very secure so there is no competition or pettiness between the two of us. Those are the type of women and friends that I truly enjoy and value.

I had so much fun just being me at the party. I had a blast dancing on the stage with the burlesque dancer and obviously I had a little too much fun making out with Slade - damn the boy is a good kisser! It has been a long time since I have felt this happy, and without feeling guilty about it. I know that might sound weird to some, but when you lose someone like I did, there is this period of feeling like you don't deserve to be happy. You feel like why them, and not me? You go through so many emotions of second guessing everything in your life. It has taken me a lot of time to recognize that it wasn't my choice or anything I did. It was ultimately God's decision and I couldn't of done anything different to change the outcome. Slowly but surely you start to gain back who you are and feel OK about being happy again.

Since Slade and I have been friends for over eight years we have a very playful banter between us. I tease him quite often as he does me, thus some of the footage at the pool with the towels etc. Slade has also become my best friend and we spend so much time talking and just discussing everything about life. I was explaining how different life has been since losing Jeff, including my financial situation. I used to be the best bargain shopper on the planet, and then Jeff came into my life and spoiled me rotten with diamonds, the best cars, purses, designer clothes etc. I always told Jeff he didn't need to do those things, but he just loved doing them for me. It is a harsh reality when you no longer have access to what you once had. Those material things never defined me, thank goodness, but it is humbling when you can no longer afford extravagant things. I have had to start from scratch again building up my businesses. I was a very self-sufficient woman before I meet Jeff. I made a lot of money selling real estate in a very hot market place. I bought my own home and was very proud of all I had accomplished as a young 26 year old. I never imagined that I would fall in love with a man that would get cancer. I didn't plan to stop working and making the money I did to take care of him fulltime. I didn't know he was going to lose his battle and I would be left with almost nothing and have to start from scratch. This was a hard lesson for me and I am dealing with the heartache and pain not only of losing Jeff, but losing a lot of what I worked so hard to have before I met Jeff. You see my struggle this season financially to get back on my feet. The good news is that I am a survivor and I will work through it. I was blessed with a brain and a strong work ethic which you will see this season.

It's also interesting to see that despite the way the women treated me last year I still don't like to hear anyone say mean or bad things about them, including Slade. I tell him he is being mean or needs to stop with his harsh remarks. I found myself doing that a lot this season with Slade. He has a lot of opinions about the way the women treat me and he has no tolerance for their behavior at times. He thinks I am way too nice and forgiving. He is very matter of fact, and I always want to find a reason why someone did something or make an excuse for why they are treating me the way they are. It can be a good thing sometimes and other times it can be a detriment.

I just love Alexis! Thank God for her! We laugh and have the best time together whether it is at spin class, lunch, shopping or just sitting and talking as good girlfriends. She and I have a lot in common and I think that is why we hit it off so well. I have come to know that Alexis will have your back on everything, she is loyal, and a very true friend. As I said before, it is hard to find friends like that, so I am so thrilled she joined the cast this season. We knew each other cause of a mutual friend but only spent a little time together. Now due to the show we spend a lot of time together and have become very good friends talking almost daily and it is so nice to have a true friend on the cast. I just love her husband Jim as well, they are such a great couple and they balance each other out perfectly. Slade and Jim have become good friends as well and I look forward to you guys seeing our relationship unfold.

La Perla was a fun night and the ironic part is that Tamra and I always seem to have a fun time together. I never had a problem with Tamra until she had a problem with me. I always thought she was fun and silly and she made me laugh with her one-liners. Unfortunately she constantly says I dragged her into my situation, but I never did. The guy who called her did. She could have easily said, "I don't know who you are and I don't want to be involved," but unfortunately she did not, and therefore it has caused a lot of headaches between us. The moral of the story is: Stay out of other people's business. I have seen first hand enough about Tamra and Simon's relationship to have an opinion, and I also have heard a lot about them, but it was never my place to discuss it or pass judgment. It's just not who I am as a person.

I believe Tamra and I ultimately don't want the drama anymore between us, it seems everyone else is more willing to keep it going. I can only hope she was sincere when she told me recently she was sorry for what happened and that she regrets a lot of the things she said or did last year. I choose to believe her because I want to get past it and move forward with life, because as I know all too well, life is too short!

La Perla was a fun night overall, and I love lingerie! So it was a fun night to go shopping an find some fun outfits for Slade to throw on the floor...hehe. Damn that store is expensive you buy one piece of underwear and you are broke for three months. Alexis seemed to fit in really well with the group and I was glad to see the girls being much nicer to the new girl compared to how they were last year to Lynne and me. Maybe they learned their lesson from last year ... or maybe not! Guess you'll have to keep watching to find out!

On a couple of other notes, since I didn't get to blog last week, I have to say the footage of Slade in his c.k sock was a little too graphic for me. I can't believe they showed that much on TV, we thought for sure they had to blur that out. They say they want our true reality, so Slade decided he no longer wanted tan lines and therefore he came up with a solution, so there is your reality people! I also want to address the accusations Tamra made about me in episode two! She made a lot of comments that are not worth even talking about because they were so ridiculous and were more for the TV "She didn't just say that?" moments rather than actual facts; but I do want to address in particular when she went storming out of the room and said I took Jeff for $1.7 million dollars. Once again, where on earth does she get this stuff? I assume the internet since that seems to be her only reality at times, but just to be clear I didn't take Jeff for anything, I did however check my bank account about eight times that day wondering if somehow I actually got those millions everyone was so sure I got, but to no avail!

Tamra has since told me that she will come to me first before taking what she reads in the press as facts from now on. Like I said, I think that most of what Tamra says is more for the OMG response unfortunately then of it being cemented in the truth. Maybe she does it just for that reaction, maybe she does it because she has a sharp tongue and thinks it is funny, or maybe someone provokes her to say lubricious things, but my advice to anyone would be: stop talking about things you don't have a clue about because it only makes you look ignorant. I like Tamra, and I wouldn't want her to look ignorant.

I really am so sad that Jeana is leaving the group. She has been nothing but a wonderful friend to me personally and always seemed to defend and protect me with the women. She was the mama bear of the group and is going to be greatly missed. I know the woman believed she stirred the pot sometimes, but her heart was always in a good place. I believe she made some very valid points about the fight between Tamra and me, and Jeana always seems to see it from a fair place. I think the farewell to her was very sweet and even made me a little emotional watching it. I check in with Jeana often and I know she has been going through some difficult times, but she is a survivor and is going to get back on her feet even stronger then she was before! I think she is a beautiful woman so full of life and love and I only pray and hope she finds a man that deserves all that! I wish her well in all her life endeavors and she will be someone I know I can call a friend for life! I love you Jeana!

On another note people keep asking about my personal site www.gretchenrossi.com It is going through a little overhaul so I can easily upload content and new information for you guys. So be sure to check back to see the updates soon and also at www.gretchenproject.com. We have a new sweepstakes that will be happening this next month that I think you guys will be super excited about for the New Year!

I hope everyone enjoys there Thanksgiving coming up and remembers to be thankful for all the wonderful blessings God gives us, including life itself! Till next time!
Xoxo
Gretchen Christine