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Like a Champs

Episode 9:'s Editor ponders who was a turkey at bowling night.

Hello bowlers. I hope you're wearing your best pair of well Lysol-ed oxfords, because we're hitting the lanes this week in style. Let's see who was worth of the champions Cristal and who should be bowling with bumpers next time.

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We open with Tamra and Heather discussing the mud run. I have to say I really love that Heather believes she's "checked that box" of mud runs. Yes, I agree with you lady. One time in that sort of endeavor is plenty. Accomplished. Since the mud run wasn't the whole gang, Heather wants to assemble the brood for some bowling -- and champs. Now, don't go reading this and saying champs, like we are the champs of whatever, you must pronounce it "champs," for champagne. Heather continues to prove that you can make mundane tasks better (painting, going to L.A., etc.) by ratcheting up the class. Next time you want to "go to a baseball game and open up a nice Chardonnay" call me darling!

This party does have the divine distinction of having two 'Wives unable to attend because of plastic surgery recovery issue (Alexis can't bend to pick up balls with her nose as it is; Tamra will be in rehab for her breast surgery). Gretchen is unavailable for the call (but her secretary Slade Smiley, will write it down in my Filofax apparently). It's a little stressful because this is the first time Gretchen and Vicki will be seeing each other post-bunco. But hopefully everyone will bond amongst the balls.

Card of the Day
Besides the tension of lingering '80s night memories, Tamra's also nervous about Vicki's relationship with Brooks. It all seems a little "thick to quick" as my Southern mother would say) and Tamra hopes he's not taking advantage of her situation. Troubletown.

Vicki, of course, doesn't know Tamra feels this way, and is busy collecting her cards from Brooks and sponging all of this romantic moments and filling her tanks. Brooks and Donn seem pretty different -- and hopefully the end result will be different as well (i.e., better). Hopefully since they are so honest as they are (Facebook access!), there should be no surprises in Vicki's future.There's No Business
Alexis was back at work this week, doing an interview about sex, pop culture, and kids. It seems especially fitting, since she's busy trying to balance her brood with her many businesses. Alexis does her best to get "both her brains working," and she only has a moment of confusion with one of the experts names. Alexis' long-term goal is to get her own show, but Jim's a little hesitant about her "changing the rules" of the contract and would prefer for her to go back to her stay at home mom days. . . We'll see what shakes out there.

Meanwhile, Gretchen is still recovering from her shout off with Vicki. Like asking a dog not to bark, she can't manage to stop herself from talking -- even when Slade pleads to put her on vocal rest. Gretch heads to a session with her vocal coach, and does a little bit of a scale. I'm going to disagree with the pug who looked terrified by her voice and say she didn't sound that bad. Hopefully, she'll be back at full-strength in time for the PCDs!

My Own "CCs"
And then it's the big day. Tamra is finally dropping her former implants. She's ready to take charge of her body with tinier "titties" and enter into the world four pounds lighter. Tamra emerges much more compact, yet still looking radiant with lip gloss on, and finds Gretchen there to great her (we'll see what Alexis says about that). Gretchen knows the best way to recover is with a penis bottle of vodka, which is how I've overcome every malady I've ever had. Then we see that perhaps Tamra is more effected by the anesthesia than we thought when her heart/heart monitor briefly stops. Seems like it was OK though, and it least she got a minute's rest from that relentless sound.

Changing Lanes
Finally it's time for the extreme bending of champagne and bowling. Sarah Winchester arrives (who you might recall from Vicki's shrimp night). Immediately it's clear that she and Heather might not be making friendship bracelets by the end of the night, and Sarah's also on the defense about the Vicki situation. Usually if someone says, "I just don't want to have any drama tonight" (Gretchen), it almost guarantees it will happen. It's the Housewives equivalent of saying "I'll be right back" and then getting murdered in a horror film.

After seeing Gretchen's "unproficient" bowling game and Vicki take a really big tumble, Sarah makes a quick approach to discuss the situation wtih Vicki -- and that goes about as well as you can expect it. . .

Sarah continued to follow Vicki around (while never putting down her sliders) to try to make her point with Vicki. Gretchen and Heather did their best to make Sarah calm down, but as Heather said, the hamster wheel had already started. She refused to move past Vicki's slight. And then was a bit of a huff when Heather tried to thank her for coming. It seems like this won't be the end of it with this bunch.

Next week, the 'Wives go glamping -- I'm serious. More extremes! What other odd combos would you like the ladies to do? Platinum t-ball? Sake and building ships in a bottle? Leave your items in the comments!

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