The RHOC Visits the Secret Garden

Hello my little marshmallows. I hope you kept your tongue to yourself this week, because, as we saw for Tamra, that never works out.

Gunvalson Out
We open with Vicki and Tamra prepping for dinner. (Did anyone have a Married to Medicine flashback? She's wearing heels honey!) The ladies are packing vino and debating if Vicki's faux fur is too costume-y, but there might not be enough wine in Whistler for this dinner. How many glasses are appropriate after you've called someone a piece of trash? Lydia doesn't think this is how a Canadian woman would behave. Canadian women make a bouquet of maple leaves and focus on the positive. Tamra's plan: ignore. Let's all "just glaze" when people we don't like begin to speak. Let Vicki focus on loving herself and not the chef.

That lasts about as long as it takes for Lauri to bring up Brooks -- then Vicki takes the approach of telling Lauri to shut up and blaming irony. Isn't it ironic that it's so hard for people to know the definition of ironic. (Don't you think?) There are a lot of slammed down forks and accusations of people being hypocrites and then Gretchen gets into the fray. 

So many mentions of throwing up. I almost wretched at the thought. Enough throw up, enough chrips, the horse is dead (as is the concept of new metaphors). Vicki is ready to whoop it up without these people. She can't deal with frustrations Lauri still has over an email about her husband from seven years ago. Yes, Lauri issues with Vicki go deeper than what was under the hotel blanket in New Orleans. She's mad about an email that Vicki decided not to tell Lauri about -- and that Jeana decided to send around. And no amount of Lydia asking them to hug or Vicki yelling Kumbaya is going to fix it. This is an issue much bigger than the Canada trip can handle. 

While Vicki does her best to escape this torment of a meal, Gretchen starts questioning how Tamra can even be back at BFF status with the woo-hoo queen. It's tough to hear Tamra have to defend her friendship with Vicki so often. They just get along so swimmingly how can those two crazy ladies not forgive each other? And on top of that, Tamra's all twisted about how the dress shopping/Malibu Country debacle came to be. Tamra feels played by the role reversal (Gretchen saying she has one and Heather saying she didn't).

In the end Tamra and Gretchen hug it out, but I don't think I'm exaggerating by saying this doesn't seem to be the end of this one either.

Yellow Snow Bunnies
The next morning the Wives head out for more snow play. Lauri had an Ambien last night and Vicki's made an agreement to not run over her with a snowmobile. Will a "Secret Garden" moment bond them together? What is a "Secret Garden" moment?

After Vicki expounds on her amazing snowmobile prowess, she immediately veers into a creek. Again I point you to this video:

cover it up with a very poorly constructed snowman. And then took their aggression out with a snowball fight. That's why there is no The Real Housewives of the Tundra. All arguments would be settled in the snow and there would be nothing to watch.

It Takes a Licking
Then the ladies try to chill at a vodka-themed dinner. Look at how relaxed and not horny Vicki is -- breaking a wine bottle with her bare hands. She's a temple! She loves sex. Nothing to see here!

Once the gals suit up in their sexy (according to Lydia) marshmallow suits and prepare to drink all the extremely chilled vodka they can. And once they've tasted enough vodka it's time to taste the walls.

Lesson learned: don't lick the walls. You never know where they've been or how they'll fight back. Thankfully Tamra has a plastic surgeon on-call. His opinion: she could lob half her tongue off and she'll be fine. Dangerous to know. Terry does think she should leave less DNA in her wake though. 

Next week the women return to the O.C. and we'll see if Terry continues being super happy about Heather's acting career, if Gretchen and Alexis will finally forgive each other -- and if Slade will say yes when Gretchen plans to pop the question. But what did you think? Would you have made the same mistake Tamra did and licked the wall? Would you believe Gretchen or Heather? Would you forgive Lauri or Vicki? Would you do science experiments with Alexis? Leave your thoughts in the comments.