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Ashley Darby: My Marriage is More Important Than my Ego

Ashley Darby discusses why watching that clay scene with her husband Michael still hurts her today. 

By Ashley Darby
Does Ashley Darby Still Want a Baby? Considering we sawCharrisse Jackson Jordan tell you the vacation was her idea, what do you think of watching her conversation withKaren Huger?

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Ashley Darby: As far as I can see, the trip to Bermuda was a joint effort by both Karen and Charrisse. As the two of them dipped their toes into the pool, there was a shared conversation about where we should go. Karen threw out St. John and Charrisse offered Bermuda; in the end, taking the 'Mac to Bermuda was born. What do you think of their tension over the planning?

AD: I guess Potomac is just too small of a city for these divas! At Monique Samuels's party, it took everything in me not to go into a fit of laughter listening to how upset Karen became at the idea of a 'co-host.' Both of these women are mothers and have had to break up fights between their youngsters - I felt like it was time to put Karen and Charrisse in time out until they could hug it out. I'm telling you, the little tykes running around weren't the only kids at the party that day. How do you move on after a fight with our husband like last week?
AD: The fight between Michael and I was so torrid that it was an exercise for us to forgive each other. The issue is that this fight was coming at such a tense time, and I misdirected my anxiety about the evening to my husband. Once the evening was over, I had no more ill feelings toward him in the slightest. My problem, as I am learning, is I have a difficult time apologizing when I'm wrong. Being vulnerable and admitting fault feels uncomfortably foreign to me, but my marriage is far more important than my ego. So after that fight, we checked our egos at the door and hugged each other. That helped us to recenter. Tell us about your conversation with Monique’s father – do you think it helped you in your conversation with Michael?

AD: Monique's dad bestowed some nuggets of wisdom on me. At the time the knowledge was still sinking in and I hadn't fully absorbed the importance of what he said - saying sorry and not focusing on faults is essential to a marriage.

When we took the clay class, it still wasn't firmly in my mind yet. Seeing how upset I was as we talked about having a baby hurts me today because I was still focused on Oz; in reality, my focus should've been on the fact that this business is not more important than fortifying a relationship with someone I love.

Is Ashley No Longer in Love with Michael? Tell us about asking Michael if he’s still in love with you - how difficult was this conversation?

AD: It was hard for me to ask Michael if he was in love with me because my insecurity was rearing its ugly head. Because I felt minimized for my professional efforts, I correlated that to how much Michael loves me. I feel like I was seeking acceptance from him, as a successful businessman, and I wasn't paying attention to the interpersonal bond we have as husband and wife. Constantly trying to prove myself made me become hardened and resentful. I needed to shift that focus. Our love languages are different - Michael places more emphasis on Acts of Service where I yearn for Words of Affirmation - and finding the proper ways to show each other we care is a constant exercise for us. Michael values a person who makes a commitment and follows through, which is why he didn't feel like I was acting like a proper partner when I didn't consult him for the dinner further in advance. I, on the other hand, need a person to acknowledge me and express their love for me in words.

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