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Malarkey Madness: Movie Mayhem

Brian Malarkey gives his blunt take on the cheftestants' weekly standings.

By Brian Malarkey

"Naysay to the horse play." Malarkey speaks BLUNT!

How to Watch

Watch Top Chef on Bravo and next day on Peacock.

This week's ranking appears first, followed by last week's ranking.

1/1 Stephanie: "Colicchio's Angel" - packing Lisa two weeks in a row. No Top Secret here, the judges are loving you!

2/2 Richard: "Willy Wonka Wonderland" - Dale knows who has the skills. Wasabi-chocolate blew it up -- now blow out the smoker for good.

3/3 Mark: "Dude Where's My Groceries" - Bad Boy Bubby? Did you break Richard's smoker? No Turkey, no duck, no problem .... You gave the judges quail and carrots for Christmas and they loved it.

4/4 Dale: "Up in Smoke" - Awesome knife skills and great presentation in the Quickfire, but you sat back and enjoyed the show in the Elimination Challenge.

5/5 Andrew: "Oompa Loompa" - Calling out Dale as "the weak choose the strong," he just beat you down in the Quickfire. Letting us know that the guest and judges would "culinary crap their pants." I'm not thinking that's a good thing.

6/8 Antonia: "Passionless Passion" - Why ever would you make a saffron dish that tasted like saffron? Step it up and be bold! I can tell you are figuring out the judges and it's just going to be a matter of time before you put it all together.

7/6 Jennifer: "Dead or Alive" - I was expecting a lot more from you; show me whatcha got!

8/9 Spike: "Pulp Fiction" - $150 bucks and you want to give them tilapia? Seeing a lot of you in the bottom my friend. Did you really bring a scallion curler with you? Calling all hotel buffets ... we got a scallion curler ....

9/10 Ryan: "Dumb and Dumber" - Come on. You couldn't even remember the name of A Christmas story. If you didn't have Mark and his quail, it could have been you who got his eye shot out with your Red Ryder BB Gun!

10 Nikki: "Desperately Seeking Something" - Word in the land of blogs says you got game -- still waiting to see. Looks like your endive boat is sinking!

11 Zoi: "Girls Interrupted" - Not even an academy award for your poached eggs can save you now. Don't stress while your girl is banging out the pasta with Darling Nikki.

12 Lisa: "Chewing Gum, Chewing Cud, or Sucking Teet?" - Think JAWS because they are about to eat you alive.

PYKAG Manuel: "Big Fish" - Sweet guy, but you followed Spike to the end of time. Good luck!

Daniel is a great guy -- a true classic!

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