Advice

Is It Ever OK To Snoop On Your Partner's Computer Or Phone? One Expert Has An Interesting Answer

Checking computer history? Looking at texts?

Ever take a peek at your partner’s browser history? How about look through their phone while they are in the shower?

If the answer is no, you’re in the minority.

Most people have done it at some point, but the reason why varies from individual to individual.

According to Toni Coleman, President of Consum-mate Relationship Coaching, this is a major issue she deals with in therapy sessions with couples.

“You have people who just have a tendency to be clingy, jealous, and if there wasn’t a sense something was going on they would snoop anyway,” Toni says. “You’re going to have a fair share that go through people’s stuff. But the vast majority that do it—it’s more women than men—women will often find themselves doing it after something feels off, a change in his behavior.”

Toni says signs like a husband who used to leave his phone out but no longer does, or erases his computer history are big reasons people snoop.

“Depending on the relationship, they will pick up the phone and look at it-, say when he’s in shower check the computer history,” Toni says. “When people are married they will really go through stuff. But then the people who are cheating will get special apps as a way around it.”

Is it ever right to snoop though?

“Much depends on how much they’ve invested in the relationship, have kids, live together,” Toni says. “This is hard…What I tell women is that if you can’t trust somebody and approach them directly, if you can’t walk away from a talk feeling that they were transparent and open, then why are you in the relationship? If they are being evasive and lying, sure you can snoop, but really do you want to be in this relationship?”

Toni adds, “What I tell people is it’s not a sin, however it’s not optimal or a way to resolve it. You have to ask if this is a healthy relationship for you.”

And there’s always the risk of getting caught, which Toni sees happen all the time.

“Either somebody notices someone has been on their phone, or computer and you have to own it, say ‘I wouldn’t like it either, but I tried to talk to you, I sense something is off. It’s not what I want to do, can we talk about it?’ Never deny it. No point to that if you want a good healthy relationship.”

“Romance Whisperer” Cindi Sansone-Braff says, “If your gut tells that your partner is lying or cheating, he or she usually is.”

“If you need to spy on your partner, see this as a sign the relationship is on life support already,” Cindi says. “Be psychologically prepared for what you are going to uncover.”

If—or when—you do find something, “sit on the eye-opening info for a bit and don’t pounce on your mate immediately.”

“When you are calm and can state the facts of what you have uncovered, then confront your partner. Be truthful how you found out the info,” Cindi says.
Be prepared for your partner to twist and turn your spying to make you responsible for the mess.

“Apologize for spying, but state that your gut and this person’s actions led you to do this,” Cindi says. “I do not believe couples should have locked phones or computers and that partners should be able to use each other’s phones or computers; therefore, you should have each other’s passwords. Electronic secrecy can make cheating and lying easier, so complete transparency can keep the temptations of the modern age at bay.”

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