Horrifically Brutal

Julia is in shock about how terrible her date was.

Oh, dear. Where do I begin? (Shakes head.)

We see me at lunch with Keith, and it looks like I'm doing all the talking! Literally. All. Of. It. Fun! I don't feel like a total loser or anything watching that. If I look and sound visibly nervous, it's not your imagination: I was terrified. Everyone has their dream job -- for me, that was writing for ELLE. When I pitched them my Guinea Pig of Love column, it meant a lot to me (read the series, in which new columns will appear every week for the next seven). I desperately wanted to make a good impression, but I guess I just sounded desperate. Note to self: when feeling desperate STOP TALKING. Or just, you know, stop talking in general. Sigh.

Meanwhile, Amy looks insanely hot working out at the gym. Damn you, Amy! Anyway I do love a good ice-skating date, because I'm a dork, apparently, although I'm a little intimidated by Amy's discipline -- no hot chocolate? Girlfriend, I eat bags of chocolate on the regular. How else am I supposed to deal with stress? Go to the gym and be healthy?! Oh, wait. Hmm. Maybe Amy's on to something here. And then there's Emily, getting macked on hardcore by a rapper who basically wants to rub his face all over her body like she's a cat scratching post or something. (WHO TAKES SOMEONE TO A STRIP CLUB ON A FIRST DATE?!) It's damn amusing, because I relate to the say-yes-to-everything mentality with a heavy dose of f—k-why-did-I-just-say-yes-to-THIS? aftermath, which sometimes leads to a "I'M SAYING NO TO EVERYTHING EXCEPT CHOCOLATE." Which is the state I was left in after watching my double date with Chris this episode.

Brutal. There's just no other word to describe it. Unbelievably, horrifically brutal. But not even just in the most obvious ways -- like that pesky total-refusal-to-kiss-me-on-the-lips situation. I actually had an "oh, s--t" moment watching me walk on the beach with Chris, whom I genuinely liked, and interrogate him, rapid-fire, like Barbara Walters on seventeen cups of coffee. As in ,"Oh, s--t, I had NO IDEA how bad I really was." Ick. I wouldn't want to date me. So aggressive! And even if he DID give me explicit permission when he said he liked a girl to chase him, I still shouldn't have done it. Damn it!

In fact, I'm pretty sure the entire last section of that date should have just been stamped with an enormous red circle with an X through it, like a no smoking sign. NOOO! It's the kind of date that makes you believe in old-fashioned dating rules like never, ever, ever kiss the boy first. (I thought we had all moved beyond those rules! Apparently not.) Plus, one more very small point: I have not before, nor will I ever again, play spin the bottle after the age of 9. WHY DID I THINK THAT WOULD BE A GOOD PLAN? I don't know. But trust me when I say it was not. (Beach volleyball, on the other hand, was unexpectedly entertaining.)

Now all of that having been said, as it turns out, the dude HAD A GIRLFRIEND, and that's why he wouldn't kiss me (at least at first, then I'm sure he didn't want to kiss me because I was THROWING myself -- literally -- at him). Apparently he and his girlfriend had just had the DTR (define the relationship) talk the night before, but Chris didn't want to flake out on his friend Todd (you know, the one who thought "objectify" was a big word) who was trying to get into my roommate JP's pants. Thus the total confusion when I couldn't get a goodnight kiss out of him. We only found out after the date. Never heard from him again. Awesome! Totally not humiliating at all. Oh wait. Yes. Yes it was.

(Smashes head into wall again.)

So yeah, that's it for this episode. Please catch me humiliating myself again every week for the next six weeks at 10/9c.

You can also find me humiliating myself somewhat less on Twitter @JuliaAllison or on Facebook.com/JuliaAllison or on my website xoJulia.com.



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Breakdown Breakthrough

Julia Allison think Andrew did the right thing being honest with her.

Well, hello there! Welcome to the penultimate episode of this first season of Miss Advised. Only one week left until the finale in which... Oh, let’s not get ahead of ourselves, shall we? This episode finds us back at my house in Marina del Rey surrounded by my ELLE editor (Keith) and a lovely ELLE photographer who can’t stop laughing at my ridiculous bedroom/closet/home/life. Sigh.

Photo shoots with new photographers make me self-conscious as it is, but to have one conducted by ELLE (in my own home, which tends to veer toward the eccentric) was beyond nerve-wracking. My mother was in town at the time, and I felt like she wouldn’t be thrilled with the concept of a photoshoot (She thinks they are “frivolous” and “self-indulgent” -- even though the shoot was my editor Keith’s idea). My nerves stemmed from that, along with anxiety thanks to a confluence of stresses, most notably my blocked writing. So much so that I was breaking out and stress eating. Not exactly what you want prior to a photo shoot.

Plus, Keith sort of...rolled his eyes at my closet. It’s not often you have your boss in your closet, but when you do, you definitely don’t want him to react like that. Especially if he works at a prominent fashion magazine. You start wondering if you just aren’t cool enough to exist, let alone write for said magazine. In a misguided attempt at "cool," the first outfit I tried on for the photo-shoot was this Rachel Zoe maxi skirt in blue (not pink!), which I paired with a simple white tee. It was a look that felt a lot more hip than I actually am. Ironically dressing that way made me uncomfortable. It just didn’t feel ME. But when I put on a vintage pink dress and sat (upon Keith’s request) in a pile of pink tulle on my bed, tiara in my hair, somehow I felt like myself again.

My editor chastised me about my taste (both in fashion and in home decor), but at the end of the day, I sleep in my bedroom every night, and I have to live with myself. Keith doesn’t! I figure it’s more important I like my own space than if anyone else does. Besides, it’s a great litmus test. If something as silly as a pink bedroom or a proclivity toward occasionally wearing frothy dresses scares a guy away, then I’m not convinced he was worth the trouble in the first place!I hope every woman realizes this: you don’t have to smooth away all your “eccentric” personality traits to find the right man. If he’s right for you, he’ll love you FOR those eccentricities, as long as you’re not counting “being a total bitch” amongst them.

As for the writer’s block I discussed with Keith: I DID eventually get through it, although it took some serious work with therapists regarding my anxiety and self-esteem issues. So far, I’ve published seven columns on ELLE.com (it will be eight by the end of the Guinea Pig of Love series, next week) each written at 2,000 words (they ended up getting edited down to 1,000 or so). You can read them all here. For someone who has been as tortured by writing as I have recently, getting through these is a victory for me. I know it could always come back, but at least I’ve won the battle. Next up: trying to win the war!

Ah, and now for the slightly more depressing portion of this episode -- my ill-advised (if you will) trip to San Francisco to see Mister Andrew. So, about Andrew. Sigh. I don’t know where to begin, but suffice it to say that although it seemed that trip was fast, it really wasn’t. Since the first “PROMMM!” date, we had spent time together, including weekend trips. We talked frequently on the phone and sent zillions of texts and emails. He played me music on his guitar and cooked dinner. I had met his friends and he had met mine. It was time to have that talk. You know, the dreaded “where is this going?” talk. I’m not a huge fan of those talks, but things were getting (as Andrew put it during that conversation) “to that depth” where we needed to discuss it. But Andrew did me a favor, and as much as it hurt at the time, for that I thank him. He didn’t feel that he could fall in love with me, and while that wasn’t what I wanted to hear then, it certainly was the right thing for him to say, because it was true. What if he had led me on, allowing me to develop deeper and deeper feelings that he didn’t reciprocate? That would have been brutal and kept me from being able to heal and move on to find someone who COULD fall in love with me. Andrew is a good man, and he couldn’t do that.

I cried quite a bit when Andrew broke up with me. (Oh, let’s be honest, when Andrew dumped me.) But it wasn’t just over Andrew. I started crying over Andrew and segued into crying over every guy who had EVER dumped me, and then from there into every relationship that hadn’t worked out, and from THERE into a future filled with men who would dump me and relationships that wouldn’t work out. It was quite a cry I had, and poor Andrew sat there rubbing my back, wondering what the hell was going on. Had he accidentally killed my puppy? No, I explained to him later. This is simply how women grieve (some women...sometimes). We stack all of these terrible things on top of one another, one after the other after the other, until it feels like our romantic lives are doomed, like we won’t ever succeed, like we won’t ever be loved. It was as if everything I’ve ever feared I looked at and felt completely and totally throughout my body. I grieved for every end I’ve ever had.

And here’s the strange part -- after I sobbed for about half an hour (and drunk half a bottle of champagne), I felt inexplicably better. Like I had gotten it out of my system. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was certainly cathartic. I had been holding in so much pain, so much fear, so much disappointment and regret over my love life, and Andrew was pretty much the last straw to a mini-breakdown. A breakdown I needed to have, as it turns out, to have a breakthrough.What breakthrough, you ask?

Oh, about that. Well, you’ll just have to wait until the season finale for that!

P.S. That slap? That was just a joke. Even in moments of sadness and disappointment we can (and should) laugh.

WHERE YOU CAN FIND ME ONLINE (if you want to read more!)

Me: @JuliaAllison / Facebook.com/JuliaAllison / www.JuliaAllison.com / JA@JuliaAllison.com: email me!


My roommate, JP: @JuliaPriceMusic / YouTube.com/JuliaMusic1 / Facebook.com/juliapricemusic / www.JuliaPriceMusic.com