Hello, and welcome to our recap of the first episode of Online Dating Rituals of the American Male! Strap in your wireless connection and buckle up, because this season is going to be a hilarious, terrifically cringe-y (in the best way) ride!
Our first online dating pioneer is Marcus, a 36-year-old divorcee who rightfully calls himself “thefitartist.” (He should always brush his teeth without a shirt on, just this gal's opinion.) Marcus takes the whole online dating thing pretty seriously after his divorce threw him for a loop. He and his wife split up after "she turned into a completely different person," which either means things fell apart (as 50 percent of marriages do) or she was secretly a blood-sucking shapeshifter.
Next up is our modern day Rico Suave, Alex, also known online as “PrimeTime99.” Alex is 27 and his parents got divorced when he was really young. He used to go on dates with his dad when he was little, so it's not surprising that his dating logic consists of incredible one-liners like, "This girl is probably an alcoholic—I like that," "You bounce back from a broken heart by going out and getting laid," and, "I like to eat steak and shrimp, and I like to walk around like a ten-foot pimp."
But Alex throws all of his charm out the window on his first date with Genevieve (AKA “JJPerl”), an adorable brunette who he wants to take home as soon as possible. He makes that clear throughout the entirety of the date—“I would take you to a level of orgasmic fun”—while also offering her genuine compliments. It seems like Genevieve might go for the bait… until the end of the date, after many glasses of wine, and Alex goes straight to THE BUTT GRAB. Yes, the butt grab. Game over.
Marcus, meanwhile, falls flat on his first date with "Bobby_the_Young_and_Humble" (real name: Michelle). He’s very concerned that Michelle won't tell him her age, and he's also very glad she didn't show up in the "white face" she allegedly wore in one of her profile photos. Pro tip to Marcus: I almost positive that's just a mud mask from Duane Reade.
Though Michelle is "reeeeeally pretty" and is also from Houston like Marcus, the girl can talk. A LOT. Too much, in fact, and Marcus is not into it. But, because the universe is evil and cruel, Michelle is into Marcus. Of course! He lets her down the easy way—by alluding to a "next time”—and she immediately sings his praises to her friend on the phone.
So everything is bleak and awful until our heroes are immediately back at it! Alex's next date is with Natalie (screen name: “TXNYCLA”) at the nail salon for pedicures. They sip champagne, talk about church, get their toenails painted by strangers—you know, first date basics. Alex splits early 'cause he isn't feeling it, but he still wonders why she won't kiss him at the end of the date. Maybe because he said women expire when they hit 31? Just a hunch!
Later, Marcus reconnects with an old online flame, Chloe (or “ChloeRoxanne”), who he's only “10% compatible" with. But we find out online algorithms don’t know anything because the pair have an amazing second date! Good conversation, good chemistry, common interests, two good-looking people. It's a win! Marcus even thinks he and Chloe have a "chance to turn into something real."
But he isn't ready to log off forever. Marcus decides to see what else is out there (because men), and that's how he ended up on a date with “Moxiecali” (real name Mindy), a sassy blond with no filter whatsoever. Marcus is disappointed to meet her IRL, because, according to Marcus, her profile photos were not truthful. More specifically, "Her face is still searching for her chin."
Mindy says the following things to Marcus during the course of their incredibly awkward/hilarious-to-watch drinks-and-dinner date: She's "malnourished”—“If you cut me open I'd probably taste like Funyuns and chocolate milk”—she needs iron because she's on her period and "Do you have to poop?" She's fun! But maybe too fun for Marcus.
On the other side of the city, after Alex gets stood up on a drum circle date (Los Angeles!), he gets a message from a knockout named Amita (screen name: “ModelG1rl11”). He drops his plans of messaging strangers on the Internet all night to go meet with her immediately. He's very pleased to find Amita to be hotter off of the Internet, and he's totally floored when she finds out she even likes football. It’s like he discovered that women are actually people!
Soon Marcus realizes the grass is surprisingly not always greener, so he calls Chloe back up and invites her over. She brings wine, he makes her dinner, they watch TV and make out. Alex and Amita also seem to have found a love connection, despite Alex getting handsy (again!) after the first date. A second date is on the horizon, and dot com Cupid’s work here is done.