Cast Blog: #RHONY

A Recap is a Recap is a Recap

Carole admits she's a terrible singer, evaluates the Central Park fight, and ponders running away with Jacques.

Thanks, you guys, for all the comments on my post last week! You're smart, clever, and funny, and I'm going to steal all your lines.

Diane R. stood out with her witty take on a Dorothy Parker quote, referring to that iconic scene at the restaurant in which LuAnn does not drink her coffee: "Money can buy you coffee, but it can't make you drink it!"

Diane, you win a signed book! Do you want one? If you see this, go to my web site and send me your address. Let's do this each week. Okay? Leave a great line, win a prize.

So this episode, Aviva and Heather go on a double date to kick things off. We find out that Heather is Jewish by injection and that Harry did, in fact, inject half of the cast. I don't know if Harry is Jewish. I do know we seem to talk about him a lot.

During "Showdown at Bethesda Fountain" in Central Park -- cue theme to Gunsmoke -- I realized why I feel comfortable around Ramona. She grew up with yellers and screamers and so did I. I didnt even hear my own voice until I was in high school. My favorite moment of this argument, though, is when Ramona, mid-meltdown, pauses to admire her shellacked fingernails. Luann doesn't seem impressed, even that they last three weeks!

Aviva and I met up at a vintage clothing store near my apartment. It's called What Goes Around Comes Around. It's a chic little place where you can get 1920s couture or vintage concert t-shirts, high-end or low. Aviva should really have grabbed that leopard jumpsuit, don't you think? It screamed mommy pickup.

I didn't take the green dress, but I did get the blue cape I tried on. Take note because you'll see it again. It plays a big role in a future scene, and that's all I can say right now. Please let me address the contractually obligated recap of the recap of the previous scene. It looks as if I'm cutting Aviva off as we recap the recap of de Lesseps v. Singer case. I didn't mean to. It's just that in real life, I'm not used to gossip. I've had to practice this, too. I'd rather talk about boys, or, apparently, my breasts! Speaking of. . .what is going on with me? Before I was a Housewife, I was a run-of-the-mill single girl who I'm pretty sure didn't talk about breasts, and now I can't stop. My breasts are stealing all my scenes.

Uptown, Sonja demonstrates an in-depth understanding of the drip pattern. I was impressed and I think Rich from Zeff's was, too -- she'd be great at a crime scene. There was also some pretty hot banter going on here.

Rich: How ya doin'? I'd like to do a small water test, from your upstairs. . .down.

Sonja: Good. I'm just fixin' my skinny jeans.

Dial tone.

So, surprise -- turns out I have a love interest. His name is Russ, and he's so cute, no? He just released a new album and it's great. Musician boyfriends are fun. They write songs about you. Think Mick and Bianca and rented castles and sexy clothes. Okay, well it's not quite like that. At all. At least not so far, but he did write a song about me. It's called "Manhattan" and you can hear it in the show as we're driving around. Russ shot a video for it and I play the girlfriend, naturally. Watch here.

His new album is called "Take Me Home" and you can get it on iTunes, and you should. I love it, especially "Manhattan" and not only because it was written about me. I also love "I Miss Being Lonely" and "So Close to Heaven," even though that song was written about a bunch of other girls on the road. I bought the album too, and I could have gotten it for free.

My favorite scene this week? The de Lesseps clan discussing the "French Problem." First, what did I tell you? LuAnn is my high school French teacher, reincarnate. (See previous post.) Noel is failing French, and possibly math, and he picked a really bad family to fail French in. I'm not worried, though. I think if Noel maintains his new study habits and sticks close to Jacques he'll be fine. Jacques steals the entire show in this scene -- I think he's my favorite Housewife. On French: "It's beautiful but it's useless. Good for the girls, maybe. Do you use your French accent with the girls?" On blaming the French teacher for your grade: What's the accent of the math teacher?

His lines are all sotto voce -- which is an Italian expression, not French, and also not from Google Translate but from my head -- and this makes them even funnier. This is a really nice family moment, but I wouldn't want to fail French with LuAnn.

(Scoop alert: In future episodes Carole leaves Russ for Jacques. They run away to Gstaad and open a French Accents for Dummies school. Jacques does a comprehensive water test while Carole bides her time shellacking her nails.)

Joe, I need a glass of pinot grigio right away. Ramona, I am certain, knows the name of every man in every restaurant that carries pinot grigio. I think Ramona should call everyone Joe, and that this line should be the Housewife mantra for Season 6.

So, what did we learn this episode? Sonja knows drip patterns, Ramona's manicures last three weeks, Heather likes freestyle dinners, Aviva likes neat children and napkins, Jacques is really funny and, lastly, I can't sing.

Remember, to check out my website here and I wouldn’t be a Housewife if I didn't plug my book, here. And tweet me here.

There were six toasts this week, up from last week's count of five. And will someone please count references to Harry? Whoever comes closest to guessing the number of toasts and the number of Harry mentions at the end of the season will win French lessons from Jacques.

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Bethenny: There Is Definitely Smoke and Mirrors

Bethenny explains why she was worried after seeing Sonja's fashion presentation.

Well, my bar is set very low. If I'm not crying or ripping someone a new one, I breathe a sigh of relief. Let's enjoy that while it lasts. This episode was a good one for me.

Aaaah Sonja. The truth is I love her. There are times during this season that that will be difficult to believe, but I simply do. Some people are cunning and have a malicious or shifty or disingenuous side. Sonja has none of that. She is a good person. She is just often misguided and misdirected. Many of us are. Reminder: I have a book called I Suck At Relationships, so we all suck at some things.

I loved lunch at Il Mulino, because I love to laugh and Sonja makes me giggle. I also very much appreciate her honesty. You guys are all very smart and you will be able to tell who is real and who is trying to create a persona. Sonja allows herself to be messy; that is to be respected in its own way.

I didn't want to give unsolicited advice, and, this season, I walk a slippery slope. I’m damned if I do anything in the way of business advice. Whether it’s positive or negative advice, it will appear that I'm better than and an expert, and that's simply not how I view myself. I have a lot of experience: I'm in the trenches, and I keep learning and making mistakes every day. Sonja doesn't have that experience, and, for her to succeed, she needs to get focused and start absorbing more information (that's how I learned-- mouth shut and ears open). Business is hard, and she needs to learn what it really takes to focus on one thing and see it to the finish line. "Accessible luxury" is a start. And--no--she doesn't owe me a car.

As for her fashion meeting, I think she front-loaded that staff for effect. I will bet everything that I hope to be that not one of those people is on salary. I happen to have an international brand and barely have that many people with those fancy titles, so there is definitely smoke and mirrors there.

That said, the boards looked great, and Sonja does have people working with her. I am betting on Sonja! It is a marathon, and I want her to succeed all the way through. There are many steps along the way. She has great taste, I loved what I saw, and I am genuinely here to support her. All she needs to do is focus, focus, focus. If she isn't putting up her own money, which she isn't, then no harm, no foul (time and reputation aside).

The timeline worried me. This meeting was in November--launch would be now (like six months away), and it made me nervous knowing they could not yet disclose retailers. Fashion is its own beast. I do have a Skinnygirl Shapewear and lounge wear line, yet I deferred to Heather as more of an expert in this area. Heather has way more fashion experience. I'm not sure why she decided to fire a random shot at me for going to the meeting. Maybe it was payback for my nap last week during our dinner conversation. In any case, it doesn't matter whether you're selling toothpaste or tractors, business is business, and business I know and understand. Sonja was smart to ask for my advice. There will be more to come on this.

As for the other ladies, Kristen has a fashion blog. Congrats on that!

The night out at World Bar was a little grating, and I was glad to not be there, getting myself in trouble. The yammering on from Ramona about Sonja not saying hi was reminiscent of past seasons--hashing and rehashing something completely inconsequential to fill up the airwaves. Check please.

As far as John goes, walk away. Big deal--he is touchy feely. If he were 6' 2" and chiseled, no one would care. It really isn't that big of a deal. There are a lot of guys who have a cocktail and don't understand personal space. There are women in our group who have this issue, too. His girlfriend was two feet away.

While I wouldn't want my boyfriend behaving like that, and while he may not be ultimately right for Dorinda, she knows who he is, and I don't think it is a massive big deal. A little icky? Yes. World Bar World War 3? No.
I Suck at Relationships: http://bit.ly/1GlkutZ
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