Carole Radziwill

Carole attempts to say "I love you" and revisits the Housewives Rules.

on Sep 18, 2012

I have to make this short because it’s a holiday and even though I’m not Jewish I took the day off, went to my shrink, got my nails done with that new gel shellac polish -- it lasts three weeks! -- and bought a pair of shoes. I want to revisit some housewife rules. These are straight out of the Real Housewives Handbook that we received when we signed onto the show. I want to begin with Housewife Rule #13: Desperate times call for dinner.

LuAnn and Ramona and Sonja
Real men cook. I’ve never seen so many male chefs in a kitchen so excited about searing a roast. I know there is a toaster oven joke here somewhere but I’m too tired to find it. Real women, on the other hand, drink. Duh. It’s Housewives.

Housewife Rule #86: When the conversation veers towards something you don’t want to discuss, call in reinforcements.

LuAnn executes this rule in the first scene like a pro. Jacques is at her side with red wine and kisses just as talk turns loud and St. Barth-y. This episode was about mixing and matching the housewives in a number of different combinations to, ideally, cleanse our minds and souls from the horror otherwise known as a tropical island paradise. Some combinations worked better than others.

But first, I’m obsessed with Sonja’s headband, if Olivia Newton John doesn’t ask for it back, I want it. I also want to split the atom. Who did split the atom anyway? In a mushroom cloud of clarity Sonja says what everyone else is thinking. I thought that was Ramona’s job.

Ramona says it takes time to get to know her. How much time does it take? One drink? Three? Six? It took me two. Two beers at our first lunch with Mario and I was already calling her Bunny.