Sometimes I think being a Real Housewife means to be in a constant state of PMS fury. Whose turn is it to go off the rails this week? Hello, LuAnn! LuAnn has been desperately trying to stir things up and start fights. In this episode, she lays into me -- not exactly an original idea. What has her so riled up?
1. Miss USA came to her luncheon. Oh horrors! I mean, who would want a gorgeous celebrity to show up at your charity event?
2. She decides that I invited the very charming Miss USA. I didn't, but what does the truth matter? In Housewifeville, we don't let the truth distract us from our attacks. By the way, it was LuAnn's cohost who invited Miss USA, according to Bonnie's Instagram.
3. Because there just wasn't time in LuAnn's busy schedule, she waited until I was hosting a party to confront me. Nice.
4. When she couldn’t make her preposterous story about the unauthorized invitation stick -- or maybe she just got tired -- she went to Attack Plan B: Textgate! At LuAnn's party, I sent a text to Heather about my randy old goat father's boast of a threesome. Ramona asked Heather what she was laughing at, Heather asked if she could show it; I said sure; and before you know it the text was passed around and we all got a laugh at it. According to LuAnn this ruined the parts of her party not already ruined by the mysterious intrusion of Miss USA.
5. Whenever there's some disagreement about what's happened, the knee-jerk reaction of the [desperate] Real Housewives seems to be "Aviva's lying." LuAnn didn't have any trouble rallying the clique at my party to join her on the chorus. Then it becomes my word against theirs and I'm overwhelmed. It doesn't matter that the truth is right up there on the screen. Watch the episode . . . then call LuAnn.
6. With no place else to go, LuAnn oddly attacked me for my father's behavior. He is a colossal embarrassment to me, but I'm not responsible for his ugly and inappropriate patter, anymore than I am about LuAnn's. Good tactic though. When you can't score on your target, go after their relatives.
You know, I thought I was a good sport at LuAnn's party. I bought one of the hideous dresses from the fashion show (who decided repurposing rugs as dresses constitutes fashion?), bidding against Carole for the privilege of donating money to LuAnn's very worthy cause. Maybe I'll wear that dress to LuAnn's next event -- that’ll show her!