Nina Garcia (aka Neeeeena GahSeeeya) stopped by my office yesterday. It's a noisy office, meaning almost every inch of every wall is covered with something. There's a lot to see.
Nina was meandering around, taking in various framed photographs... She squinted at one, pointed, and said "Is this your mother?" "No!" I replied. "That is definitely not my mother!" She was looking at my favorite snapshot of me and "Amazing Race" superstar Charla Faddoul.
"She is not old enough to be my mother!" I told Nina. "Also, please notice that I am actually on her shoulders!!". Nina could not tell this because I think there was something blocking the bottom of the frame. Perhaps if she had seen us from the correct angle she also would have been able to see that Charla, among other things, is a little person. By the way, it is entirely possible that a little person could be my Mommy. It is just wickedly improbable to me that I would be the offspring of Charla, although I guess that means I would be second cousins with Mirna, which would provide for lively Sabbath dinners.
Nina browsed around the office some more. Soon her eyes caught a vintage picture of me with Susan Lucci. I was in college and La Looch was at the top of her game. Around 1987. "Oh, THIS is your mother!" Nina triumphed. "No darling, sometimes I WISH she were my mother...but that is Susan Lucci!" I told her.
Now she was on a mission to find my Mom amongst the potpourri of crazy ladies scattered around us. I wonder if Nina would've seen a resemblance between me and M*A*S*H vixen Loretta Swit if I'd shown her my vintage snapshot!
If the photo of the Delta flight attendant were my Mommy, I think I would marvel at her hair day and night. Would my hair look like hers? There is no question in my mind that Joan Rivers would not only make a great Mommy, she most definitely would've made me gayer than I already am. She's not my Mommy.
When I located a picture of my real Mommy, Nina immediately understood that Charla and Susan pale in comparison to Evelyn.