Some Pop Culture Gods are flying high heading into the weekend, while others will be binge eating and doubling up on Vicodin. Herein I present: Andy's Winners and Losers of the First Week of April...
KATIE AND MEREDITH: Katie got her dream job, saved the CBS Evening News, and gave 60 Minutes a clear future beyond Wallace and Co. And, is there anything Meredith can't do!? I am so amazed that NBC lost their star morning talent on Wednesday and seamlessly and gracefully replaced her on Thursday with a big name with a heavy background in both hard news and showbiz. How often does that happen? Talk about a smooth transition for all parties! There's room for everybody in the sandbox.
JULIA ROBERTS: One week into previews, she's busting the box office at her Broadway debut, "Three Days of Rain," which grossed just shy of a million bucks in it's first week of previews. Those 8 performances played to 101% capacity. (That means people stood for 2 1/2 hours!) The amazing thing is that a few months ago, "The Odd Couple" was the biggest hit play to touch down on Broadway in history, only to be dusted by Miz Roberts. And Joe Mantello directed them both, so he's a winner too. Forget Nicole ("The Blue Room") Kidman and Hugh ("Boy From Oz") Jackman, the brightest star has arrived and eclipsed them all.
KEN PAVES: Jessica Simpson's hairdresser, who bugs the hell out of me, is spawning into a veritable cottage industry. Not only is he pictured with his muse in US Weekly practically every week, he has a line of hair extensions in the works with Simpson and his niece's cleft palatte is what motivated Jessica to testify before congress on behalf of Operation Smile. Now that's power! If he infuses Simpson with a lick of talent then I'll anoint Paves a genie.
PINK: Her single "Stupid Girls" has become an anthem and the video, which mocks Paris, Jessica, and other "stupid girls," is a smash hit on MTV and the internet. Plus she's won an unlikely fan in Harry Potter scribe JK Rowling, who posted a diatribe celebrating the singer on her website. Rowling expresses concern for her daughters' lack of role models in a world where no-talent idiots (I paraphrase!) are celebrated. Rowling writes: "Stupid Girls is the antidote-anthem for everything I had been thinking about women and thinness. 'Stupid Girls' satirises the talking toothpicks held up to girls as role models: those celebrities whose greatest achievement is un-chipped nail polish, whose only aspiration seems to be getting photographed in a different outfit nine times a day, whose only function in the world appears to be supporting the trade in overpriced handbags and rat-sized dogs." Go Pink! Go JK!
SUSAN ANTON: I chatted up the 70s variety queen in Vegas and learned first-hand that she is, indeed, a winner! She's starring alongside Harvey Fierstien and Dick Latessa in the Vegas production of "Hairspray" and I'm gonna go ahead and liken her hitting Vegas to Julia Roberts on Broadway.
DAVID SPADE: For dating Heather Locklear!
THE BAHAMAS: The Bahamas' Plays and Films Control Board has banned our beloved "Brokeback" from ever being shown! They say that the film "has no value for the Bahamian public." I do wonder who goes to the movies in the Bahamas anyway, but that isn't the point. The Bahamians are once again proving to be cuckoo for cocoa puffs. It's worth noting that last year, Miss Teen Bahamas was stripped of her title after admitting she is a lesbian, which explains why we haven't heard from Miss Teen Bahamas in a while. ** GMA and THE VIEW: How do two shows become lame ducks over the course of twenty four hours? Just when GMA was licking its lips over the departure of Couric, Vieira is hired and seals Today's dominance over the ABC ayemer. And The View needs a fair and balanced lady pronto before Joy deflates Star's new implants at 11:08 on the day after Labor Day! Without a "Meredith," an un-checked Star creates a runaway train careening towards cancellation.
SHARON STONE: After weeks of publicity featuring wardrobe changes and pronouncements about sex, love and 9/11, Sharon Stone's "Basic Instinct 2" is DOA even after she shilled the s**t out of it. "Basic Instinct 2" opened with $3,201,420 (which tied for 10th place with a movie from Larry the Cable Guy!). That's compared with the original "Basic Instinct," which opened with $15,129,385, which in 2006 money is at least 80 million dollars.
RYAN SEACREST: The newly-bearded Idol host got the week's most massive public "shaming" by Mr. Cowell on Tuesday night. Background: Ryan now says he's not dating Teri Hatcher and didn't know there were photographers shooting the duo kissing by the beach. Cowell's dis: "Ryan, with respect, I'm not the one trying to look like someone out of 'Desperate Housewives.' Lose the beard." Ouch.
KENNY ROGERS: Ya gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, and I think The Gambler should've followed his own advice before going on Idol with such a wildly "refreshed" face.
KEN PAVES (see above): Sorry but he's mainly a loser because any hairstylist who can't give himself a good hairstyle isn't a winner.