These Are Some Of The Best - And Most Hysterical - Breakup Lines Of All Time

These Are Some Of The Best - And Most Hysterical - Breakup Lines Of All Time

It's not's you.

By Delaina Dixon
Would You Spend a Night With Your Ex?

We dread them because they signify the end of our relationship. But sometimes we come up with lines that are so priceless, they’re the only thing we want to keep from our exes. Here of some of the best breakup lines we've ever given - and received - from our former loves.

Angela, 40  - New York City

“I had been dating my first boyfriend Pat for over a year. You could say I upgraded him, and he started feeling himself from all the attention he was receiving from other girls. One day I came to his job and saw him talking to another girl. I went to confront him and he told me to buy him something to eat. I replied, 'I’m not your personal vending machine just because you have the munchies, so no.' That pretty much ended our relationship. Later I found out it was because he was cheating on me with the girl I saw him with.”

Harriet, 35 - London

“I was with an ex, we were living together for nearly two years. But it just wasn't working out so had to tell him... 'I think it's time you move ... back in with your mum.’ And since the lease was in my name he had no choice but to leave.”

Marie, 48 - Jacksonville, Florida

“I don’t waste time with a lot of chit chat. Whenever I’m in the middle of a bad date, I say, straight up, ‘So I was checking my sock drawer and I realized, we are not a match’ It ends the conversation right then and there. No debating it. And it does not insult either party for lacking in any way.“

Samantha, 44, New York City

"'I need to get back to my future. Oh, and I want and need to be alone in order to do so. I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just speaking my truth.'"

Diane, 32 - Salisbury, Md.

“I once said, ‘I think I’m allergic to you.’ He had a dog, and I do have allergies. But I’m sure we both knew what I was talking about when I said it."

Janel, 29 - Atlanta

“I had been seeing a guy for about seven months. I had been staying at his apartment and we had even talked about getting married someday. Then I learned he was already engaged, to someone else. So I called him and said, ‘You may think you’re a baller, but I don’t see your name credited in an episode of Love & Hip Hop. And I didn't sign up to be your on-air side chick. We done.’”

Amanda, 23 - New York City

“I had met this musician, he was super cute and we had hung out a few times. I thought he was totally into me until I went on his Facebook page and saw all these tagged pics of him and the same older woman. So I decided to send him a little message of my own: 'So I don’t know who this woman is in all your pics, but I’m certainly not going to compete with your sugar mama. Good luck.'”

Becky, 40 - Lawrenceville, N.J.

“Back in my younger days, I was usually juggling two guys at a time. As you can imagine, it got time-consuming. So I went to one of the guys and told him, ‘I’m breaking up with you because it’s too exhausting to date you and Michael at the same time.' Only problem? I was actually speaking to Michael himself - I got my guys confused!”

Danielle, 47 - Hoboken, N.J.

"I was dating this guy and though we’re both lovely people, we just weren’t right for each other and the relationship ran its course. As it came to a close, I blurted out, 'How can we ever look back on this negatively when we’ve each set up the other person for someone really amazing?' He laughed. We’re still friends with each other, and each other’s spouses."

Jackie, 39 -  Ontario, Canada

"I was dating a guy that was so good-looking, but he was so dumb. I dealt with it as long as I could, but I finally said, 'Were you kicked in the head by a horse when you were a child?' I waited and debated with myself for weeks before I said it knowing that once it was out there, our relationship would be over."

Of course, being the one who’s dumped can lead to some interesting lines as well. (We’re protecting the identities of the people who had to hear these spine-numbing lines!)

"It’s not you as a person. It’s your hygiene."

"I think I am in love with my ex-girlfriend."

"I love myself more than I love you, and I think that will be detrimental to our relationship in the long run."

"I don't know if I can be with someone who fluctuates in weight as much as you do because by the time I am 30, I want to make partner in my firm and be dating a supermodel."

“Yeah, I just don’t want to have sex with you anymore. But if you give me your girlfriend’s number, we’ll be cool.”  

“I wished so much that I loved you as much as you obviously love me.”

“I knew we would never work out since you are allergic to my cat.”

"After dating a guy for six months, he texted me excitedly and told me that he was moving to L.A., and was planning a big going away surprise for the both of us that weekend. Well, that and a week more passed with no message from him. I decided to text him, 'Hey what’s up?' I got a lovely reply stating, 'I’m in L.A., moved in with my girlfriend and life is good.'"

Got an ex? Yeah, we all do. Bravo’s Personal Space is diving into everything there is to discuss about breakups, from the ones that got away to ghosting to what the hell you should do with an ex on social media with Ex-Files Week. It’s all leading up to our new series A Night With My Ex, which explores what happens when former couples reunite…for one night only. Check back each day for exclusive interviews, personal stories, and don’t forget to catch the premiere on Tuesday, July 18 at 10/9c. 

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