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You met the perfect person. But no person is perfect (except maybe Oprah) so, if they behave like they don't have a single flaw, you may wanna pump the brakes on the relationship before you go running down the aisle.
Bravo called a few therapists and relationship experts to fill us in on red flags we may be missing when it comes to the "perfect person." Are they too good to be true?
Dr. Elizabeth Lasky, Ph.D., LCSW, tells us some things to look for:
- Your partner withholding love, emotion, and information.
- Having a feeling that your partner is keeping secrets from you and you're not getting the entire truth.
- Your partner does not follow through.
- Your partner comes up with millions of excuses and rationalizations for why he/she acted in a certain way.
- Your partner will not meet in person, will not talk on the phone, and he/she is in the exact same spot every time you FaceTime/Skype or video call.
- The pace of the relationship is moving too quickly.
- There are elements of power and control between the two partners.
"Pay attention to the cycles of your relationship," Dr. Lasky says. "For example, you may experience a 'honeymoon' type period when you feel like everything is perfect and filled with roses and champagne. But, at around the same time, you may begin to notice some things that don’t sit right with you. You may begin to fight a little, your partner may become a little distant, or thinks that were once 'normal' aren't normal any more. This is a huge sign that the relationship was too good to be true, but what I see happen is that people stay around in this relationship because they want to get back to the honeymoon phase...There is something intoxicating about being in a new relationship that it sometimes feels like a fantasy.
"When you think something’s too good to be true, you are probably right!" she adds. "The challenge is making a choice to move on when you notice them. People ignore the signs because being in a relationship sometimes outweighs compromising our own desires and values. We often notice things that make us think twice about someone or a situation but we ignore the signs."
Cindi Sansone-Braff, The Romance Whisperer, and author of Grant Me a Higher Love has some very interesting signs to look for:
"For instance, you mention how you really hate cheaters, and the next time you see him, he tells you this longwinded story about how his friend cheated on his wife and how much he hated that. Be careful of guys that agree with everything you say. These kinds of people are narcissists and try to get you to believe that they think just like you do, but later on you find out that the two of you are nothing alike. I call this the 'Prince that Becomes the Beast Syndrome.' Narcissists try to create a 'halo effect' that makes them appear to be really good and trustworthy, and later on, their true colors come out."
He doesn't want sex very often.
"When you first met him, you thought that he was being a real gentleman not asking for sex on the third date the way most guys do. But you've been with him for a while now, and he just doesn't seem to be that into sex. I would take this as a pretty big red flag that he's got someone else, or that he is a porn addict, or maybe he's just not that into you. Don't just tell yourself that he has a low sex drive. Dig a little deeper and see if you can't find out just how much porn he is into, or come right out and ask him why he doesn't want to make love to you. If he really is hooked on virtual women, he might not be able to perform sexually with a real, flesh and blood one."
He only texts you, but he never calls.
"If you are texting back and forth for fifteen minutes or longer, why can't he call you? If he is at work, then that makes sense, but why can't he call you later on in the evening? You can see this as a huge red flag that he might have a girlfriend or that he might be seeing other women. A man should want to hear your voice and talk with you. He could also be trying to artificially control how close the two of you can become by limiting the amount of intimate conversations you can have."
He won't let you meet his friends or family.
"This is a bright red flag that he is a commitment-phobe. Commitment-phobics won't let us into their private world. You want to be with a man who is so proud of you and happy to be with you that he can't wait to introduce you to everyone. This could also be a sign that he is seeing someone else or that he is married."
You keep catching him in little lies.
"Don't just make excuses for this kind of behavior and ignore the enormous red flag that it really is. Little lies indicate that a person is a pathological liar. For instance: He said he went to Starbucks, but you found a Dunkin Donuts receipt in his pocket. Why would he do this? Perhaps he didn't want you to know where he went because he was meeting someone there. He could also be testing you to see how gullible you are. Address the issue, but don't be surprised that he tells a whole lot of lies to get out of this one."
Fran Greene, relationship coach and author of Dating Again with Courage and Confidence: The Five-Step Plan to Revitalize Your Love Life after Heartbreak, Breakup, or Divorce, tells us the following are red flags:
Your date gets too serious too quickly.
"Picking out the china after one date, or going on a vacation together after two dates or moving in together after three dates can feel blissful but it’s totally crazy! Does your date want you or does s/he desperately want a relationship with anyone? Don't be misled by this whirlwind. When it is too good to be true it will never work."
Everything is perfect.
"Your date’s life is like a fairy tale. Everything they have is the best — family, friends, job, apartment, car, clothing/jewelry, vacations etc. They describe their life as flawless and completely amazing without any problems at all. Really! When your date describes their life as picture perfect they are doing everything possible to convince themselves and of course you that everything about them is perfect. Don’t be fooled by this charade."
You are always confused.
"You can never follow what your date is telling you. Everything sounds so wonderful but the minute you ask for clarification, the story gets more complicated. Your date always leads you to believe that they can do anything and everything for you until you ask for something specific. Once you do that your date tells you not to worry they will do whatever you need ... but not now."
Your date only wants to spend time with you.
"Your date wants to be with you 24/7. There is nothing that your date wants to do without you. Although it is flattering that your date wants you to be the center of their universe, it is totally unnatural to be attached at the hip."
It’s all about you.
"If your relationship feels too good to be true because your date does whatever you want, changes their plans to meet your needs and always wants to please you — it should make you wonder if your date has an original thought or opinion. No one can keep this up and do you really want to be with someone who never expresses their needs and wants? It is only a matter of time before your date becomes resentful and angry."
Dirty John Season 1 premieres Sunday, Nov 20 at 10/9c.