Great, Now Everyone Is Picturing Tom Schwartz's "Classic Dick"

Great, Now Everyone Is Picturing Tom Schwartz's "Classic Dick"

Timeless? Of the finest quality? Works great? All of the above? What exactly did Tom Schwartz mean?

By Marianne Garvey

Katie Maloney-Schwartz now admits it works. In fact, it's "classic." What are we talking about?

It's her husband Tom Schwartz's dick. Great, OK, and here we go.

Everyone is talking about what Tom's got in his pants ... including Tom. He called it a "classic dick" in a recent episode of Vanderpump Rules, which forced us to imagine what that meant exactly.

Oh, come on, you know you pictured something. It's hard not to, which is why Lisa Vanderpump had to leave the "classic D" convo that the SURvers were having on Vanderpump Rules After Show. (See for yourself in the clip above.)

This all started when Schwartzy admitted to Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix in Mexico that sometimes his sex life with Katie is non-existent. We already know this, and yes, that's very normal. Tom and Ariana even admitted to going through dry spells with each other. But then Schwartzy went on to describe what he's, uh, packing, so we were left with no choice but to ask around (let's just leave names out of this, OK, these good people have jobs and families) to find out what people's image of a "classic dick" is. Sorry not sorry.

A "classic dick" is ...

“Not too big, not too small.”

“Average sized."

"White and circumcised."

"Like Michelangelo's David."

“No weird color or anything.”

“Nothing out of the ordinary but not extraordinary.”

“Non-memorable … for I guess good and bad reasons.”

“A grow-er, not a show-er.”

Other people thought about the question more in context...

“Maybe he’s just being modest? Then again, no guy with a small dick is gonna be like, ‘Heads up, small dick here.’ From my experience guys with small dicks often talk up their dick (before we see it which makes literally no sense), but guys with assumed big dicks — ahem, Pete Davidson — can act all modest.”

“Katie always talks about how she has to initiate sex. They didn’t even have sex after they got engaged. Even after the romantic night he planned in Mexico, they STILL didn’t have sex (but she was wasted).”

“Google classic! Even the definition is contradictory: ‘Judged over a period of time to be of the highest quality and outstanding of its kind’ vs. ‘remarkably and instructively typical.’ We’ll never know.”

According to Merriam-Webster, the standard definition of "classic" is "serving as a standard of excellence, serving as a standard of excellence, of recognized value, traditional, enduring classic designs, of or relating to the ancient Greeks and Romans or their culture, historically memorable, and authentic."

There you have it, folks. Bubba's dick. Solid. Holds up. A classic.

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