Carole: Montana Ain't for P------

Montana Ain't for P------

I'm a Celebrity. . .Get Me Out of Here!
I'm back. I needed a break. I'm busy with all my businesses plus trying to nap. You understand. But I see I didn't miss much. We're still in Montana.

OK on the show it looks desolate. And Montana viewers, that probably drives you nuts. Because for one, your state has cranked out an impressive number of Rhodes Scholars. Two, you guys are totally blasé about celebs, much less reality show girls who march in and want their lettuce stacked a certain way. Oh, and three, your state is really magnificent.

But we are RHONYs and so let's get our RHONY on.

Why did I not bunk with Lu, K., and Heath? Why didn't I shack up with the Antlers? It looks so relaxing. Instead, Beavers; the road more travelled. That's where I went in my thin silky gowns.

Sonja likes to talk in the morning. She's talking to the food in the fridge when I come down for coffee. They seem to be tight, the foods understand her. She can't sleep with the disorganized refrigerator, or with the squirrel trying to violate her. Or with the butlers she's had for 20 years, some of whom it's possible she slept with. (Shh. I heard that from my facialist!) Sonja is about as relaxing in the morning as a crack pipe. But she has a point. We are getting cabin fever, although it may be just the result of a lack of air conditioning.

P.S. Did Sonja just say "Will Smith"?

"Maybe this is where they go?" That’s right! Bingo. Maybe these very cabins are where Reed Weatherspoon, Reese's long lost Missoula "cousin," and Will Smith come to vacation. Celebrities come to Montana! Ramona should feel right at home. I bet Molly Sims is having a party two pine trees down. In case you're wondering, I finally did find out who Molly Sims is. She's very pretty.

OK, so I don't have a terry robe and I don't like A/C. Sue me. We all know how much Ramona loves cold air. I keep it at a comfortable 76 degrees. One thing is certain, Ramona and I could never be married on account of the temperature plus a bunch of other things.

Dinner on the Fly
I love fishing. I was the one who caught a fish in the Berkshires. Remember? Fly fishing is slow, even for me. But Kristen organized it for us and I'm a good guest. The best thing you can be on the show is a good guest. Why is this never discussed?

The worst thing you can be is a "bad hostess." This has been a hot topic since LuAnn took the gang to Morocco and Alex called her a thug in a cocktail dress (a classic). Last season, I was a bad hostess. It's second only to not being a "girls-girl." Now Kristen is taking the heat, and I feel for her. God forbid there aren't proper ice buckets. We barely survived.

Meanwhile, the point of Montana is to breath (assuming you don't have asthma) the mountain air, soak up the natural attractions and relax. You're supposed to do outdoorsy type things that require fishing rods, or guns, or mountains, or horse sh--. Montana wasn't put here for people to dine out at fancy restaurants, ogle bartenders, and drink. That's what New York is for. Montana isn't there for us to dance on tables dressed as pirates and drink. That's what St. Barth's is for. We can't always do the same things again and again. And again. . .or can we?

Sonja is drinking. Again.

Sonja brings up a sore subject. Again.

A brief recap: Sonja invited her facialist home to facialize her and Kristen's skin. The facialist repeated mean gossip about LuAnn. (About my ex, too!) And then Sonja continued to flame the gossip. Sonja is not my good friend, so I don't care. But LuAnn does, and she should, they've been friends for a decade. Sonja listens to her facialist go on and on about Lu's alleged sexual positions with short French men without saying, "Hey, I don't like people repeating gossip about my friend." Maybe the facialist would think twice about repeating it to her next client? Sonja is not a girls-girl.

I find myself having to explain very simple constructs, but I love doing it in my vintage purple silk walking gown. That's how I roll out west. Sonja is jealous of LuAnn, she even agrees. Lu has alimony and her Hamptons house. She can shop and has no legal issues. Sonja has cold water, clingy creditors, and a house in France she can't unload. Still. . .that is not the trust of a friend having your back.

Yes. People do talk about Sonja! I haven't heard the one about the lopsided boobs, but you should hear all the gossip flying around the Beauty Industry about her divorce. It's like a Danielle Steel novel, with faraway places and betrayals and even a French man, allegedly. LuAnn has heard it. We've all heard it. But because S-Sexy J-ya is a friend of ours (sort of) we don't repeat it or let others repeat it because that's not nice. Why is this concept so confusing to Sonja? You guys get it. Right?

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These are a Few of My Favorite Things
Sometimes a storyline is so ridiculous it makes writing this blog seem like walking through a field of daisies on a perfect summer day with my best friend. 25 million Americans suffer from asthma (I googled, so I know) and we're pretty sure Aviva isn’t one of them. No one believes she has asthma, not even Ramona. Let's face it. She has a poor track record with this group. Last year she was addled with phobias so severe, she couldn't leave her apartment without her husband wound round her arm. This year her phobias disappeared. (Heather brought this up and Aviva told her to shut-up about phobias. She said that was last season. You can't make this stuff up it's so dumb.)

By the way, Boise, Idaho is one of the "best cities for asthma sufferers" (I googled that, too, so I know, again). Boise is about 300 miles from where we were enjoying the clean air of Missoula.

So while Aviva dazzles you with Legionnaire's and asthma, I'm going to match her two respiratory conditions and raise her an emotional disorder. So back up bitches because here comes Munchausen! It's my all-time favorite syndrome.

She has it, I'm positive. She gets attention from her medical ailments -- endless TV time to discuss her problems with cheery friends in ancient salted soaking tubs, and even to catatonic husbands in modern yellow-papered living rooms. Isn't listening to someone talk about her severe to moderate asthma riveting? And to think you watched that but not Kristen's full body wax -- which, having witnessed myself, I assure you was much better television.

Even Dr. Oz did an entire hour on Munchausen. It's trendy! Yes, this year I came back as a TV doctor too. Why not? If we're just making stuff up now, I'm a doctor. OK, fine, I'm not a doctor, I'm not even a shrink. I'm not a pornographer either but I know it when I see it.

The Antlers and……
No one in their right mind would rappel 165 feet off a cliff. True. But none of us are in our right minds. For one, we're on a reality show. Kristen is a cry baby. But it does look scary as hell. Heather is a natural athlete. She runs with the big dogs. LuAnn is a superhero. They all are.

The Beavers
Sonja may have replaced Ramona for foot-in-mouth disease. Ramona has replaced Sonja for lopsided boobs. And I'm a good student. Cowboy Paul is a good instructor. And he doesn't take any crap from these ladies. I like that.

My facialist said I hooked up with Cowboy Paul.

GeoWTF?
So, I've Geocached before. This wasn't new to me. It's very popular out west, it's very popular all over. Check it out. There's a cache in your neighborhood. There's a cache 50 ft. from my apartment in New York. What we were doing wasn't real geocaching. I admit I got bored. I should have had four beers at lunch, spoken softly (I do!), and carried a big stick.

And just as I'm thinking this Kristen uses the "B" word. No, not Bitch. It's the third worst thing you can be on the show. Bossy. Stay tuned next week for the word that launched the Hatfield–McCoy feud.

As you all know by now, Bravo upgraded their website design. So before I go I want to thank everyone who took time to comment on the blogs. I've enjoyed reading them. Even the mean ones were funny -- especially when commenters fought each other over the meaning of what was said on the show. As you all say on twitter, IMO. I agree. Keep watching, and reading.

Until next week, please remember the Three Simple Rules of Etiquette for Peeing in the Woods: Find Privacy. Be Prepared. Stay Uphill.

Read more here:
You can buy The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating here.
You can buy What Remains here.