I left Iraq and came home to a visit from my niece and nephew. Does it make me a bad Aunt to say that Baghdad was less hellish? WHO'S YOUR BAGHDADDY?
Performing for the soldiers in Baghdad was so wonderful and inspiring. I learned so much from the troops, but the biggest thing I learned about war is that it makes a girl like myself feel dainty and pretty.
When I'm not in a war zone, guys never pick me up like I'm a 90-pound waif and bench press me over their head. Over in Iraq, it happened a few times a day. Now I'm not saying I've booked my ticket to Somalia yet, but things are starting to heat up down there, and I feel thinner just thinking about it. I'm already working on my material. What up, Mogadishu!!!
Before I left Baghdad, I went to this bazaar where you could buy authentic Iraqi arts and crafts. Although apparently "authentic" is an Iraqi word that means, "hideous and crappy." But I didn't realize that at the time, and I bought 5 shirts that I thought were the coolest thing ever - until I tried them on at home and realized they were painfully ugly, and that the only thing I could wear them to was my own beheading.
So if you see me on the street wearing an overly-ornate, brightly colored top with loads of sequins and crap all over it, just say Assalam Alaikum and move on.
I DON'T BELIEVE THE CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE
So my niece and nephew Claire and Johnny came to stay with me for a few days, and my brother and sister-in-law are still teasing me about how exhausted I was after they left. Screw them! I'm still exhausted. I don't know how you parents do it, and to be honest, I don't want to know.
I think parenthood in general is ridiculous. It's like this giant cult, and I'm sorry, but I don't want to drink that Kool Aid. In fact, I don't think people should have kids anymore. It's too tiring. There should be a moratorium on kids for at least one generation. Then people can start up again, but only when we can clone children so that they come out of pods. And even then, people should only have kids if we've developed technology to create super kids who can take care of themselves from the day they're born.
I'm very grateful to Talan from Laguna Beach for coming over to surprise my niece Claire. But just because I'm grateful doesn't mean I can't give the boy a little s**t, does it? Of course it doesn't...
First of all, we were only able to book Talan for an hour. We only got an hour because he's very busy banging Pussycat Dolls. But he was also an hour and a half late. Probably because he was sore from banging the Pussycat Dolls. Also he seemed very hungover. So it was actually a lot of fun having him over to the house and watching him try to nurse his hangover and also keep his raw, sore penis in his pants. I don't know if Claire would have had sex with Talan or not. She's always telling me that she's a virgin, but I don't believe it, because I've seen Oprah. I'm just praying she stays a virgin until her early 30s. God knows I did.
All in all, it was nice to meet Talan, but it is hard for me to deal with the fact that Talan is more famous than I am. Although probably not as hard as it is for Talan to be named Talan.
TENNIS AND BUYING PRESENTS - TWO THINGS I SUCK AT
Claire tried to teach me how to play tennis, and I have to say that I'm still achy and sore from my one tennis ... I guess I'll call it a "match." I also had a lot of problems with the line judge's calls, but I did learn a lot about the pointlessness of tennis, and I have even less respect for Andy Roddick than I did before. No wonder Mandy Moore dumped him. It's a really dumb sport.
And yes, my nephew Johnny did totally catch me in a lie when I asked him what presents he got after I told him I bought them for him. But the boy needs to learn that whenever I say "I", I mean Jessica. If I saw you at a party and I said, "I hope you got the gift I sent you," it means "Jessica hopes you got the gift Jessica sent you." If I say "I love you," it means "Jessica loves you." Sorry Mom.
All I want to say about the Air America interview is that I'm sorry that segment was so boring. I tried to get Bravo to cut that segment out. But nobody listens to me. Just go watch the Judi Dench sex tape again - it's a pisser!
So that crazy Suzy lady from Star Magazine came to my house to interview me about my weight loss, and like you saw on the episode her "interview" was more about her talking at me than to me. And it went on for like 45 minutes. She did actually ask me a bunch of questions, but later I found out that she had forgotten to turn her tape recorder on the whole time. And after the weigh-in, my publicist noticed that her tape recorder wasn't on, and she said something to Suzy, and then Suzy kind of freaked out a little, and she stuck the recorder in my face and asked me three really basic questions like, "What did you eat to lose the weight," and then she left.
I also didn't realize until later how much Suzy was hitting on me. I mean, she was doing it a little bit in person -- but when I watched the footage I saw that she was trying to make a move on me, and I must say, I'm flattered. I just wish to God Matt would say those things once in a while. If Matt would talk to me like a horny lesbian, it would totally make my day.
When the weight loss article finally came out in Star, I felt very famous and very thin, and I was convinced that I was deathly ill. I weighed 121 pounds, but people kept saying I looked like I weighed 87 pounds. And by "people" I mean the voices in my head. And, by the way, I can't believe I lost 17 pounds and I'm not a size 0. I thought my clothes would be falling off and that I'd have to tie my pants with a rope, but 17 pounds barely even made a difference.
Now I know how Nicole Richie feels. It's never enough. Poor Nicole must look at herself in the mirror and think "Oh my god! I lost 72 pounds and you can barely tell!" But I bet Nicole Richie never celebrates her weight loss with a bowl of Cake Soup....