2017 has been… a year. Looking back, we can mostly only remember the bad things: the fraught politics, the tales of sexual abuse, Fyre Festival. Sure, we had some good times, too. But even still, we need a drink just thinking about it all.
So we got the idea to come up with a bunch of cocktails based on important people and events of 2017. The problem is that we don’t actually know how to make cocktails or even what flavors go well together. So take these drink suggestions with a grain of salt (and a chaser). They probably won’t taste good, and there’s a chance they’ll make you feel even worse, but if you’re feeling adventurous and want to honor 2017 with an appropriate beverage, why not try? Let us know how it goes. (Or, actually, don’t. We’re not emotionally stable enough to handle negative reviews and/or lawsuits.)
1. The Russia DaiqInquiry
Based on a classic daiquiri recipe, this drink swaps out the traditional rum for Russian Vodka, for obvious reasons. Cheers to the Mueller probe!
• Literally any vodka as long as it’s Russian
• Orange juice
• Simple syrup
Take a swig — OK, three swigs — directly from the shaker before pouring the remaining concoction into an empty Cheetos bag (cheesy dust remnants are OK and encouraged). Fold over the top of the bag and seal securely. Cut the tip off of a bottom corner and allow the liquid to pour out of the hole, directly into your mouth. For best results, enjoy while angrily watching cable news.
2. The Stripped Martini
This recipe is for a classic gin martini, with a twist: enjoyment of this cocktail requires strict adherence to the Stripped code of conduct.
• Dry vermouth
• Olive brine
Store all cocktail ingredients as well as all of your clothing in a warehouse half-mile from your house. Every day, you must make the trek to the warehouse, completely naked, and take just one item total back with you. Within four days, you’ll have everything you need to enjoy the Stripped Martini, unless for some reason you opt to take items of clothing first.
3. To Sir and Rumi, With Love
Lovingly crafted in honor of Beyoncé and Jay Z’s new twins, this drink features the classic combination of cognac and citrus. When life gives you lemons, make cocktails.
• Two shots of D’Ussé cognac
• Two shots of lemonade
• Two shots of Cointreau
• For garnish: two candied lemon peels
Gently mix the ingredients, then pour into the gramophone horns of one of your 20 Grammy statuettes. (But not the 2017 Album of the Year award you should have won but didn’t.) Drink directly from the horn while watching while watching your Instagram “likes” go crazy.
4. Reputation Shooters
Named for Taylor Swift’s latest record-breaking album, these shots deliver the taste of white mediocrity straight to your throat.
• Vanilla Schnapps
• A splash of White Girl Rosé
• A strand of Katy Perry’s hair, finely chopped
• For garnish: Shard of any Kanye West CD
Pour all ingredients into a pitcher and stir gently. Pour the drink into six minimally-different collectible shot glasses and add garnish. Then ask a fan to buy all six shots in order to earn a better chance at scoring Reputation World Tour concert tickets.
5. The Stranger Danger
Take a trip back in time with this cocktail crafted for those suffering from ‘80s nostalgia overload.
• Whiskey, any kind, as long as it was barreled in the 1980s
• Pumpkin liqueur
• Pixie sticks
• Waffle syrup
Cue up your favorite ‘80s-related binge-watch. (Stranger Things 2 is the obvious choice, but honestly Golden Girls will do.) Mix all ingredients and pour into neon-colored water bottles. Press “play” and enjoy.
6. The I Am Wonder Woman, Hear Me Roar
A cocktail to be enjoyed only by a powerful, energetic, and bad-ass woman.
• Red Bull
• Protein powder
• Liquified male egos
Pour all ingredients into a container that can be securely sealed. After sealing, attach container to the end of a golden lasso and spin for 20 minutes. Carefully open the container and pour the glowing substance into a chalice emblazoned with the word “FEMINIST” and enjoy.
7. The #MeTooquila
This cocktail is less a traditional cocktail, and more just a simple respite from the countless stories of alleged abusers like Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Roy Moore, and way too many more.
• Tequila. A lot of it. Any kind will do.
Retreat to a safe space. Drink tequila straight from the bottle. Don’t stop drinking until the pain of being hurt and let down by so, so, so many men begins to fade, even if just for a moment.
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