I know what you are all thinking...WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM, TIFF? It's crazy to think we are already half-way through the season and I want to thank everyone who has stuck by us on this journey. I was sooooo nervous about this episode. You've seen the calm, cool and collected side of me until now. After seeing the teasers, I was shocked that I actually pushed LeeAnne Locken. Totally didn't remember doing that!! I'm not a physical person and was completely in the moment. Because they aired this episode early during the Spoilers by Bravo Saturday night, we’ve gotten some feedback and I want to clarity that this was NOT staged or acting. I was really...
Sick of it.
Could not keep quiet any longer.
I have to admit not all of that anger was directed at LeeAnne, it was also directed at myself. Not keeping my solid boundaries and allowing this level of toxicity into my life- well, I let myself down. I've done so much work on removing this type of behavior from my life and here I was back in Texas in the center of all this B.S. It's time to rewatch some Oprah Super Soul Sunday episodes! LOL.
I explained my position in last week's blog when I thought Brandi Redmond and LeeAnne could come to a place of agreeing to disagree, but it all blew up in my face. It pissed me off when LeeAnne said I concocted the whole thing. I would never intentionally put her in an unsafe position and truly thought she and Brandi needed to give each other the courtesy of clearing the air. This gives me whiplash, I swear. Then when your bestie storms out after an altercation like that…you go check on her. She kept ignoring me as I was coming toward her then she flipped me off so whew - that pissed me off even more. I don't just blow my lid like that on a whim. This was like a volcano that had been rumbling for nearly the whole year I had lived here at that point. See, from the moment I moved back to Dallas, I would come across tons of people who adore LeeAnne, but I also came across a ton of people who were absolutely not a LeeAnne fan. They would question me on how I could be friends with her. I would defend her every single time and explain that we have a long history together and have been there for each other through some rough times in our 20's. Marie, who was supposed to be one of her best friends was saying highly judgmental things about LeeAnne to me from the moment I moved back to Dallas. I was shocked! I wasn't sure what to do with this. Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have told LeeAnne, but I wanted to protect her because I knew it would devastate her to have that information. Lesson learned. Moving forward I will always come right out and tell my friends things like that. So when she said I didn’t have her back - I LOST IT! I was like - "Oh biatch, you have no idea how much I've had your back this year!!" Burying it and holding it in for a year was the primary cause for this explosion. I take ownership of my part in this and never want to get to that level of crazy anger again!
When I went back in the cocktail party after the fight and saw Marie coddling Brandi that confirmed to me that Marie definitely was not the friend LeeAnne thought she was. If you're friends for 20 years, you go check on a hurting friend not stay inside with the girl she argued with and that you've only known for a few months. Where' the loyalty? But I still offered a blanket apology to everyone. Taking the high road sucks sometimes, but it will always be my choice even if I have to grit my teeth doing it.
How insane and uncomfortable to have to volunteer at the clothing drive the very next morning. OMG. LeeAnne and I are more than friends we are family and it's like being in a huge fight with your sister, but having to set it aside and keep your mouth shut during an important family holiday dinner. The women we were collecting clothing for are living with Aids/HIV. Talk about putting things in perspective. We are grown up enough to compartmentalize our issues and get through this. My heart was hurting and I know hers was, too. That's why I reached out and called her. I had to set my ego aside and at this point in my life, I have learned not to let things go too long and fester. We used to have a codependent relationship because we were both so hurt. We have fought plenty of times. Hurting people can hurt people. We're different women now so even our fighting has to be handled different. LeeAnne and I will always have a soul connection, but we have had to rework how we interact. When I left Dallas, I was still a broken girl. I came back to Dallas a strong, healed, married woman.
Like I said, this wasn't our first rodeo in the fight arena, but we haven't fought like that since before I moved to LA. Even with the time and miles between us, having such a solid connection makes it's easy to make up after we've given each other some time to process it all. I was still a bit pissed and nervous to meet her for lunch because I was having an internal battle about whether or not I should mention some of these things Marie had been saying about her. I felt she needed to know what I had been holding on to and that yes, in fact - I did have her back all this time. Although LeeAnne and I are now in our 40’s, we can apologize like sweet little girls. LeeAnne allows herself to be vulnerable with me and vice versa. Let's just hope her carny and my Mr. Miyagi never get unleashed again!
I pride myself in being a maker and maintainer of peace. Like Matthew 5:9 says, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Perhaps the peacemakers aren't always the most exciting, but I don't care because at the end of the day - I have to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of how I live my life.
What did you think of the throw down? Tweet me and shout out on Instagram to @TiffanyHendra
Love & Ladyballs,