After a quick outfit change, Kristen meets the girls at Wink and here's my favorite line again: Who does that? Housewives do it, that's who. And no one does it better. There's nothing more riveting than a contractually obligated Housewife sit-down. I thought the flowers were a nice touch. But Ramona, if you ever need to send me flowers (I hope you don't), I like pink peonies.
Lu had to give serious thought to the thrown glass, and appropriate nicknames. RamonaMonster, StingerSinger, Pinotpolar, Ramonacoaster, Crazy Eyes. Ramonify the House. My daughter this, my daughter that. . .I want a daughter to get out of doing things. And also to guilt into spending holidays with me when I'm 80 and cranky, and hopefully senile.
I’ve been very busy keeping track of my bad dates and turning my kitchen into an office, as you can see. I actually have a real fulltime job. No one gets to see it. You only get to see me talk to boys while I eat. I spend a lot of time at my publisher's office and I spend a lot of time sitting with my laptop in my chair, working on writing and publishing my next book. Riveting. Next season, each time I have a business meeting or wild writing binge, I'll show up with camel toe or make my tooth fall out so I can be sure it gets on the show. It used to be enough to just be drunk. Now body parts have to fall. Literally.
Ramona's the perfect foil in my search for an assistant. If the wine business goes bust, she could have a nice career as an SAT prep teacher.
Ramona is having a signing tomorrow. 300 people are expected and there is only one case of wine. The assistant rides her bike to the wine store at an average of 8 miles per hour and returns by the same route, traveling at 5 miles per hour. The roundtrip took 2 hours. How many bottles did the assistant buy?
Exactly. I wasn't listening. I rarely understand the narrative thread of any of our conversations. Who do you think would be more difficult to work for, Ramona or me? If you want to work for Ramona, you'll need to find the wine store and buy more wine. If you want to work for me, you'll need to complete the following test.
PART 1, Multiple Choice:
1. If your uncle on your mother’s cousins side died after a long illness and the funeral was the same day that your boss had to prepare an important presentation would you:
a) Make sure your boss is prepared, but apologize and tell her ahead of time you cannot attend the presentation.
b) Call the morning of the presentation and say you ate a bad lobster and spent the night at Mt. Sinai's emergency room.
c) Go with your boss. You haven't seen your uncle since he got drunk at Christmas when you were 10 and he pissed on the tree.
2. If your friend had a party and didn't invite you, you would:
a) Confront her angrily in a public place.
b) Talk about her behind her back.
c) Say nothing and invite her to your next party.
d) Be happy -- you can stay home and binge watch Mad Men.
3. A friend offended you and apologized. You:
a) Accept the apology because nothing annoys people more than having to be forgiven.
b) Plot your revenge.
c) Tirelessly analyze the apology with your other friends for the next six months.
4. What song best describes your work ethic?
a) "It's Hard Out There For a Pimp" (Hustle & Flow)
b) "She Works Hard for the Money" (Donna Summer)
c) "9 to 5" (Dolly Parton)
d) "The Lazy Song" (Bruno Mars)
5. I'm having a sit down dinner for 12 people and the caterer cancels the morning of the dinner. I'm traveling from Boston and will arrive by train at 7 pm. What should you do?
a) Cancel the dinner and make it drinks only.
b) Call a friend and arrange a private plane to pick me up.
c) Call Sonja and the City and hope she picks up the phone.
PART 2, Answer any four of the following:
* On a scale from 1 to batsh-- crazy where would your most recent ex say you fall?
* What's the longest you are willing to go without sleep?
* What's the longest you are willing to go without seeing your family? Friends? Lovers?
* Are you comfortable with nudity? Yours? Other people's?
* When you go drinking in white party limos, where do you go?
* Are you willing to dress in matching outfits with me?
Please keep all answers to 140 characters or less. I’ll get back to you.
MobWives meet Housewives
We all look amazing, don’t you think? I love a good veil. As Grandma Millie used to say, Italians do it better. Especially funerals.
Sonja asked me to write a eulogy for the memorial. Since I had never met Millou I had to do some research. There was a long profile of Millou in AnimalFair magazine, which is where I found out he was gay.
I don't know why we weren't arrested. Drinking in public and throwing ashes into the East River? I looked it up. Both of these are misdemeanors, subject to prison time and fines. I have a feeling that Sonja and her cadre of interns failed to notify the EPA, which you are required to do when spreading ashes in public waterways. And drinking in public was outlawed in 1979. We were outlaws! "The Gang That Couldn't Drink Straight." Had we been caught we would have spent five days in prison. Can you imagine that? The six of us sharing a prison cell fighting over who gets the corner bunk, and whether to watch Judge Judy or Ellen during television time? Orange is the New Black, with Hats!
But the very important lesson here, which I hope all of you take away, is that when you are scattering ashes, be sure the wind is at your back.
Here is my sendoff to Millou. Rest in peace.
"Ode to Millou"
By, Carole Radziwill
I didn't have the privilege of knowing Millou personally, though like his keeper, Sonja Morgan, I imagine that to meet him was to never forget him. And this is why we are here today.
He had quite a ride. He travelled the world in style, entertaining on yachts with heads of state and hobnobbing with celebrities. He also gave back. Millou did charity work, and was nominated for a Golden Collar Award. He lost out to the dog actor Uggie from The Artist, but Millou was always the star.
His steady Gemini was the perfect complement to Sonja's sexy Sagittarius. Like his owner, he was bright and quick-witted, curious, and clever -- always the life of the party.
He was also a bit of a dandy. He would most certainly have appreciated a good fascinator.
Millou spent nearly 20 years with Sonja. He was her faithful partner in good times and in bad, in joy and in sorrow. When she was flitting between homes in exotic locales, Millou was there.
And he was there, too, when she struggled to reinvent herself as a newly single mom. He was devoted to the end.
Harry Truman famously said, about Washington D.C., "You want a friend in this city? Get a dog." It's even better advice for a single gal in New York.
Millou passed away at 18, which is 126 in dog years. He had many gifts, but he was blessed with the greatest of all. . .the gift of time.
May we all use ours as well, and as honorably, as Millou did.