Remember when cake used to be a normal thing that you poured out of a box, then baked, then ate in quiet celebration of a friend’s birthday? It was a simpler time. Nowadays, cakes star on, like, 40 reality shows about X-TREME BAKING and BOSSES and WARS and we we honestly feel a little bewildered that such an innocent, fluffy dessert became a primetime pawn of competition and sugary violence.
But such is the way in 2017, and we cannot deny cake its moment. Instead, we’ve decided to compile a list of the 10 most outrageous cakes that we’ve seen of late — all for your ocular consumption. (Or literal consumption, if you are a very wealthy person/friend of Beyoncé’s).
Spinning Amethyst Geode Cake
Created out of rock candy by baker Rachael Teufel of Intricate Icings Cake Design in Denver.
Beyonce's Black-and-Gold Geode Birthday Cake
A gilded spin on the geode trend, fit for a Queen Bey, by Cake Life Bake Shop in Philadelphia.
Gucci Mane's 10-Foot Tall Wedding Cake (With Sword)
The behemoth also featured 8,000 handmade sugar flowers, created by Edda's Cake Designs in Miami.
The Poppable Pimple Cake
For your most digusting friend's birthday! Courtesy of The Cakescape in Malaysia.
Cameran Eubanks' Horrifyingly Graphic Baby Shower Cake
Oh, y'know, just a baby emerging from a sugary va-jeen...from an unnamed bakery in Charleston.
The Unicorn Croquembouche Wedding Cake
With macarons, doughnuts, eclairs, profiteroles, candied popcorn, and buttercream flowers...from Agnes de Sucre Bakery in London.
Black Marble Cake (The Limestone, Not the Flavor)
'Cause geodes are so 2016, SK Confectionary in Toronto decided to go for the new "it" rock: marble.
A Cake So Big It Has a Literal Room Inside of It
Why your cake needs to doubly function as a doll house, we're not sure — but Creme de la Cakes in London gives you the option!
Pinata Cake, In That It's a Cake Full of Surprise Candy
If you've ever thought to yourself, "Sure, cake is great, but it's just not quite sweet enough," well then, this cake that's full of surprise candy is for you! H/T: Sally's Baking Addiction.
Kylie Jenner's Truly Offensive 'Phat P*ssy' Birthday Cake
We'd be remiss to not include a Kardashian kake in our "most outrageous cakes" round-up... and this one from Kylie Jenner's 20th birthday celebration — a gift from boyfriend and alleged baby daddy Travis Scott — is quite a doozy.
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