How Can You Get Closure on a Past Relationship if You Don't Speak Anymore?

How Can You Get Closure on a Past Relationship if You Don't Speak Anymore?

Vicki Gunvalson says Brooks Ayers crosses her mind, but they don't talk. 

By Marianne Garvey

When Vicki Gunvalson learned about ex-boyfriend Brooks Ayers getting married, she told her boyfriend Steve Lodge, “Pity the girl he's marrying.”

The Real Housewives of Orange County O.G. learned Brooks married Christy Groves Lindeman in a small ceremony in French Lick, Indiana on March 24 after about a year-and-a-half of dating.

Vicki’s fellow RHOC pal Shannon Beador, recently told The Daily Dish: "When I heard that Brooks was getting married, I thought, 'OK, good for him. I know that Vicki is through with him. I know they had a very tumultuous relationship, good and bad. And I know that she cared about him a lot when they were together. So there's a bit of a sadness. But they weren't right for each other, and she's much better off without him."

Vicki had recently revealed she and Brooks don’t speak, and haven’t for about two years now, but she does have a few questions for him should their paths ever cross. (Good luck with that now that he has a wife.) Saying he acted like a “monster” towards the end of their relationship, Vicki adds that “he did a lot of weird ass crazy things that I still don't understand because I don't talk to him."

She's since moved on with her current boyfriend Steve Lodge, and says she’s spoken to him about what happened with Brooks.

But how can you possibly have closure — and be present in your current relationship — when you never settled it with your ex? When can unanswered questions drive you crazy?

Fran Greene, author of The Secret Rules of Flirting, explains how a person can move on when you still don’t have answers.

"Breakups happen because one of you did not want the relationship or marriage to last forever. It would not have ended if it were fixable. Right after a breakup you often experience an identity crisis. It feels as if you will never find love again, that no one will ever love you and that you are nothing without your partner. This is a normal process. We all go through it. It does not have to last forever if you take the steps to gain closure (even if your ex has vanished or does not care or want to talk to you),” Greene tells Personal Space.

She says there are seven major ways to get closure (on your own) and heal your own broken heart.

Disconnect from your ex.

“Cut off all social media contact with your ex; unfriend, unfollow, untag. Being obsessed with detoxing from all social media connections is absolutely required, even if you don’t want to. Snooping only delays your healing, and every time you rip the emotional scab off you prolong getting closure. Remember, you are only getting snippets of your ex’s life and the rest is left up to your harmful imagination.”

Return to what you gave up.

“Think about what you gave up when you were in your relationship. Did you drop some of your friends, spend less time with your work buddies, give up a hobby, delay going back to school or put off something you really wanted to do? The more you rediscover and connect with your pre-ex life, the quicker and better you will feel like your pre-ex self — worthy, lovable, and complete.”

Redefine the ending.

“This is a powerful tool to rewire your brain. Instead of blaming yourself and beating yourself up for everything you ever said or did, reframe the ending scenario. Point the finger at the circumstances instead. For example, the timing was not right; we wanted different things; breakups happen because we were not meant to be, and someone better is out there; I minimized and rationalized things that I knew were not right; or I promise never to invest time in someone who does not want what I need.”

Dump the stuff.

“Get rid of the memories. Purge the pictures, the mementos, texts, emails, etc. You can even sell the gold for cash! Holding on to the reminders just lends a false sense of security and interferes with moving on. If you don’t press delete you are traumatizing yourself every time you look at the loving words, romantic photos or special gifts. Practicing self-love is good for your emotional health.

Follow the 90-day no contact rule.

“The best way to free yourself from the power your ex has over on you is to sever all contact. Do not text, call, email, show up at your ex’s job, house, hang out spots, don’t send your ex anything, don’t ask about your ex and avoid all contact unless there are kids or a business connection. This may seem impossible but your cravings, dependence and obsession with your lost love will dissipate and eventually disappear.”

Flex your muscles.

“Asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness. Join a support group, find a therapist, talk to other single friends who have survived a breakup and seek out a dating coach when the time is right. Share your feelings with your closest and most treasured friends and family. They can help you by telling you how wonderful you are and we all need that.”

Journal your feelings.

“Writing down your thoughts and feelings about your breakup releases and validates your emotions; it helps you gain insight and process your loss and it feels good to be honest, [and] it’s very freeing. There are lots of ways to journal. My two favorites are the ‘Let it flow’ and the ‘Ugly and wicked' journal. Let it flow allows you not to censor anything. Write down anything and everything that bubbles up for you. Include your thoughts, feelings, fears, dreams, hopes, regrets, your worst and your best memories. This technique works best if you are consumed with confusion and conflicting emotions. This helps in the early stages of a breakup. The 'Ugly and wicked' journal works best if you’re feeling despondent and devastated. Write down everything that was wrong with your ex and the the relationship. Think about what infuriated you, what hurt you, what made you feel embarrassed, hurt, lonely, furious, betrayed, etc. Don’t hold anything back. The only person seeing this journal is you and not your ex.”

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