Overall, I am not proud of this episode. It is full of drama, strippers, and gossip, which are words I would never use to describe myself or anything I would want to be associated with. That doesn't mean I am sitting on a high horse thinking I am better then it all. It just means I am embarrassed by it.
I know I touched on this a bit in last week' blog, but it's worth explaining again since it is being shown again. Tamra, Vicki and I never should have left the girls at the restaurant. It was a mistake and I know it was wrong, but the moment just kind of took us. Vicki had been talking about Andale's all day long. After dinner when we were standing outside waiting for everyone, she asked me if I wanted to get a drink. The other ladies had made it pretty clear they were done for the night. As we were leaving, Tamra walked out and we invited her to come with us.
Once we started walking for a while and I realized that the bar wasn't actually "around the corner," what was I to do? I texted Heather. I also called the restaurant and asked the hostess to tell the girls to meet us at Andale's. If you look closely at the scene, I even bought Heather and Gretchen headbands. I genuinely thought they would get the message and meet us at the bar. We shouldn't have left them, it was wrong. I take responsibility for that. But, it wasn't like we tried to ditch them. That was never my intention.
The next day there was a lot of tension in the car on the ride to the bull ring. I tried to initiate a conversation about it and the ladies said their feelings were understandably hurt, but they wanted to move on. So, I thought AWESOME! Taking the high road. . .not so much. Turns out they didn't want to talk about it, but they also weren't ready to move on. So, the car ride was long and awkward. Can you say elephant in the stretched Escalade?
After the random bull extravaganza, Tamra brought up the previous night and I blurted out how much fun it was. Am I an idiot? Yes. As the words tumbled out of my mouth, I wanted to quickly put them back in. Has that ever happened to anyone else? To be honest, the trip was not much fun for me at this point. The day before felt very long. The bull fight was extremely hot. The car ride was tense. So, the dancing was the most fun I had. I know it was thoughtless and wrong to say and I wish I could take it back. I certainly wasn't trying to rub it in anyone's face, it just came out. I'm not perfect.
It's interesting to watch it back now and see Gretchen sitting there talking about me to Heather even after I confront her and ask if she's talking about me. Up to this point, the tension I've had with Gretchen goes deeper than the comments at hand. We hadn't been able to connect and I'd felt like she was always very cold, distant, and short with me. She pretty much ignored me in every situation despite my efforts to reach out to her. She just recently explained that none of it had anything to do with me, but had to do with issues she was dealing with in her own life. Of course, I didn't know any of that at the time. I just felt like I was the new girl and she didn't even know my name. So, when we are in the limo and she's mad at me, I am equally hurt and frustrated with her as well.
That night, I knew Gretchen had planned the strippers. I was on the trip to support Tamra and have a good time, but being there for the strip show was not something I felt comfortable with. I love to have a good time and celebrate life, but dancing until two in the morning at a bar is very different than getting a lap dance from a stripper in a hotel room. For Tamra to say that my dancing at a bar is the same as seeing strippers is ludicrous and really hurt my feelings. It is in no way the same thing. If I have to see strippers to hang out with the Housewives, you can count me out. No thank you every day of the week. I don't judge them for seeing strippers and I would expect them to respect my decisions, as well.
I have felt a lot of love and support from my fans these past weeks. I appreciate all your tweets and comments. Keep in touch here. . .
Until next week.